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Archive for mediation

27 May

Honoring Emotions in Divorce Financial Negotiations

In April, 2018, I was a speaker in two presentations at the Make Divorce Healthier Symposium — “Coaching to Enhance the Healthy Divorce Process” and “Strategic and Smarter Property Settlement Agreements.” Here are my remarks about emotions and divorce financial negotiations from the session on property settlements.

My co-presenters Samantha Evian, James Graves, Ellen Morfei, Loretta Hutchinson covered the nitty gritty of what equitable distribution means in PA, legal and financial case studies, and financial forecasting. I kicked off the session with the mediator’s perspective and a call for sensitively incorporating the emotions of the spouses into the financial negotiations. This is the text I used to guide my presentation.

I can’t tell you how often new clients come to me and tell me “we just want to split everything down the middle.” Then I get to meet with each of them. I talk to them both privately. And I review their finances. And I learn that they have different goals, different emotions, different cash flow, different earning power. So, if so many things are different, why do they both THINK that they want the same settlement?

All of this reminds to me of a story…

Do you know the famous short story “The Gift of the Maji” by O. Henry? It’s about a young couple of modest means at Christmas time. Both wants to give a special gift to the other, but they have little money to do so. In short, he sells his beloved pocket watch to buy her an ornamental comb for her beautiful hair. She cuts and sells her hair to buy a chain for his pocket watch. Even with a happy couple who is very much in love, knowing only half the story can have tragic consequences.

In a divorce, this same issue of knowing the view only one side – their emotions, goals, interests, feelings, and positions – can yield similarly undesirable outcomes. As a mediator, I’m luck to got to hear from both spouses in a divorce. But once you know all this, how can you help craft an agreement that accommodates, to the extent possible, the interests of both sides?

As a mediator, it’s critical that I support both sides in reaching an agreement that works for each spouse. But, even amicable divorcing couples have divergent interest – along with shared interests like the well-being of their kids and each other.

Emotions can be honored in divorce financial negotiations

Courtesy pxhere.com

I’m going to leave it mostly to my colleagues to address some of the specific financial vagaries between divorcing spouses and how those might be addressed in property settlement negotiations. I’m also going to leave it to them to discuss the nexus between behavior and cognition and how it can undermine good decision-making.

What *I* want to do is pause and recognize some of the emotional issues that can influence the property settlement agreement. I think the typical perspective on emotions in property settlement negotiations is that emotions need to be managed and minimized – that decisions infused with emotions are bad decisions or inferior to decisions made “rationally.” I would never argue that emotions should be a primary driver in crafting a property settlement agreement, but a couple CAN reach a creative, effective and equitable agreement that honors the emotions of the parties.

And, although I don’t have data to support this, I have a keen sense of two things. One, is that when emotions are honored, parties are more satisfied with their agreement. (Note there is data to support greater satisfaction and compliance with mediated agreements.)  Second, that parties that feel better about their agreement and the process used to reach it are in a better position to enter their post-divorce life with a sense of hopefulness and self-efficacy.

Some examples of emotions or emotionally-loaded issues in divorce that can be effectively considered when crafting a property settlement agreement are:

  • Fear of change/uncertainty (will be discussed much more by my colleagues)
  • Fear of finances/financial illiteracy
  • Fear of possible destitution or other financial tragedies (“I don’t want to end up as a ‘bag lady’”)
  • Risk tolerance
  • Tolerance/attitude toward debt
  • “Symbolism” of debt in the marriage – how was it acquired
  • Other “symbols” in marriage – I never wanted the house, boat, Lexus, or to move near his mother
  • Desire to retire early
  • Desire to keep “my retirement” money
  • Concern for supporting the kids in college and into young adulthood, may include weddings
  • Desire to keep the house – often underpinned by the desire to minimize disruption for the kids

The emotions – in general or around specific issues – can be honored in the agreement How?

  • Riskier assets retained more or fully by one party
  • More of retirement held by one party
  • More cash flow (or liquid cash) held by one party
  • Creative financing or buyout structure for the family home
  • College or other designated funds created for the kids
  • Debt retained more or fully by one party
  • Specific debts retained by one party
  • Specific assets to one party – the boat, the Lexus

Having said all that, feelings should not be honored to the detriment of an equitable settlement or sound finances. We can get creative, but we can’t please everyone all the time. And, as I often say, I can help you figure out all sorts of ways to slice up your pie, but I can’t make your pie bigger. I’m a mediator, not a magician.

But with creativity and collaboration, one can guide clients to reach prudent financial agreements that honor their individual interests, their goals, AND their emotions.

Divorce Divorcing Family Featured Mediation Professional Development
24 Dec

Is January 2nd Divorce Day?

In some parts of the world, today is known as Divorce Day and is credited as the date when more couples decide to make the split than any other. Some analysts point to the stress of the holidays as a “last straw” in many strained marriages. For others (and I can count myself among them), the end was clear before the holidays, but acting on it was delayed in order to preserve the holiday for family.

Whatever the reason for making the decision to divorce, now or any time of year, consider mediation as part of your process. It will save you thousands of dollars, increase your control of the decisions, reduce animosity, and, if you have minor children, help to establish your new co-parenting relationship. More about divorce and custody mediation.

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24 Dec

Is It Time for a Co-Parenting Tune-Up?

A custody agreement or parenting plan are not meant to be cast in stone. Kids change. Parents change. Circumstances change. Your plan should change too.

Perhaps one parent has a new and serious relationship. Or maybe that relationship has evolved further and your ex and children are now part of a blended family. Maybe now that your kids are older, your old schedule and expense sharing no longer work. Or maybe you’re having trouble agreeing on parenting priorities, summer camp plans, or the college selection and application process.

Mediation is an excellent way to review these issues together and develop a new parenting plan that fits your current circumstances. What could be more important that getting your co-parenting relationship back on track? Contact us for more information about co-parenting tune-ups and custody modifications.

I think in the end we all benefited greatly, especially our son, who was probably the primary beneficiary of Ellen’s excellent work.

~ Mediation Client

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10 Dec

Service to the Profession: PCM Private Practice Group Virtual Monthly Meeting

Our next call is Tuesday, February 9 12:30-1:30 pm

Private practice mediators and those who are considering private practice are invited to join this monthly virtual meeting. Meetings are held the third Tuesday of each month starting at 12:30. Meetings are scheduled for 90 minutes when there is a presentation and 60 minutes without a presentation. We meet by by phone or video conference. Most meetings are unstructured and participants are encouraged to bring discussion topics and share their experiences as a private practice mediator. Occasionally, we will start the call with a brief presentation (~20 minutes) by a group member with a Q&A afterwards. If you are interested in presenting a topic, please contact me.

 

Telephone Meeting Information

Conference Dial-in Number: (712) 432-1500 Participant Access Code: 523425#

Video Conference Information

Join from PC, Mac, Linux, iOS or Android. If this is your first time participating, allow a few extra minutes to download the videoconferencing software.

Or join by phone: +1 646 558 8656 (US Toll) or +1 408 638 0968 (US Toll) Meeting ID: 851 474 994. International numbers available.

 

NOTE: allow extra time to download software if you are conferencing on your device for the first time.

 

2016 Schedule of the Private Practice Mediators Group

January 12, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and Mediation presented by Max Rivers, The Marriage Mediator. This is a video conference.

February 9, open discussion 12:30-1:30. Video conference. You may participate without video using the instructions listed under video conferencing.

March 8

April 12

May 10

June 14

July 12

August 9

September 13

October 11

November 8

December 13

__________________________

Join from PC, Mac, Linux, iOS or Android. If this is your first time participating, allow a few extra minutes to download the videoconferencing software.

Or join by phone:

+1 646 558 8656 (US Toll) or +1 408 638 0968 (US Toll)
Meeting ID: 851 474 994
International numbers available.

 

 

Blogs & Bits Event Professional Development
10 Aug

Update: Program for Mediators a Great Success

The Pennsylvania Council of Mediators (PCM) Regional Forum for Southeastern PA was a rousing success. The event, in the Progressive Conflict Solutions offices at HeadRoom, was held on October 1 for an engaged and enthusiastic group of conflict resolution professionals. The panel discussion “Crafting Better Mediation Outcomes through Party Preparation” was informative and elicited lively discussion. I led a discussion at the end of the evening on the state of mediation in PA and how PCM can better serve mediators and mediation clients. That too was a lively discussion with a lot of helpful feedback and brainstorming.

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Alogos part of my service as a Board Director of the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators, I’m helping to coordinate and host a regional forum for conflict resolution professionals. We are seeking panelists for the professional development portion of the program.

Dear Conflict Resolution Colleagues,

On the evening of Thursday, October 1, the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators with the help of the Greater Philadelphia Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution will hold a Regional Forum for conflict resolution professionals. The event will take place in Media in Delaware County. Part of the program will include a one hour panel discussion. We are seeking local professionals willing to join the panel to share how they are addressing party preparedness in their mediation practice.

Crafting Better Mediation Outcomes through Party Preparation

At the pre-conference workshop of PCM’s annual conference in April, 2015, Professor Timothy Hedeen presented on ways to improve mediation outcomes. One of his three workshop modules focused on party preparedness.

Hedeen reviewed various research on party preparedness including results of a survey he conducted of mediation professionals. Among the interesting results was the determination that mediators considered mediation clients (parties, not their lawyers or other professionals) to be under-prepared for mediation 47% of the time. The same survey respondents identified these as the five most overlooked preparation steps:

  1. Strengths and weaknesses of the party’s own case
  2. Other party’s interests in the dispute
  3. Strengths and weaknesses of the other party’s case
  4. Party’s interests in the dispute
  5. The role of the mediator

Join fellow local mediation practitioners share how they prepare parties for mediation, what steps they are taking to address these issues, and other aspects of party preparedness in their own mediation practices. Contact Ellen Morfei for more information. ellen@progressiveconflictsolutions.

Blog Blogs & Bits Mediation Professional Development
16 Jul

Now Offering On-Line Services

I’m pleased to now offer mediation, coaching and selected workshops on-line via a video conferencing service. I love and appreciate the value of working with clients face-to-face, but also want to be responsive to requests to work with clients outside of my local area, to provide parties in high-conflict mediations an option to meet without sitting in the same room, and to allow more flexibility for busy and on-the-go clients.

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On Line Mediation with Ellen Morfei

 

Note: Divorce mediation services are offered only to those who will file for divorce in the state of Pennsylvania. Some custody and co-parenting issues may also be limited to Pennsylvania.

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16 Jul

Ellen Morfei: Super Mediator

Sometimes (maybe a lot of times), the world works in mysterious ways. This spring, a large package arrived in my home mailbox. It was sort of motley package with the distinctive hand-writing of a long lost friend of mine. The day was a few days from my birthday and this friend had surprised me with a quirky, usually handmade, gift on a few other birthdays, so I was pretty sure I was in store for another such gift. And look what I found! I love this fun and funky homage to my mediation work and the long-standing Philadelphia conflict about who makes our city’s best cheesesteak. I won’t weigh-in about the best cheesesteak (I’m impartial, right!), but I will share this fantastic drawing. “I think this shows we’re making real progress here.”

Ellen Morfei Super Mediator

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05 Feb

Workplace Conflict is a Drain on Productivity

According to some estimates, office workers spend an average of two and a half hours per week trying to resolve conflict!

That’s a lot of time and money lost. Why not get a little help? Work with a mediator to resolve your workplace conflict or consider conflict coaching to prepare for a difficult conversation, better address complex complex conflict issues, or improve your conflict competence in general.

Not sure what’s right for you? Get a free consultation or join one of our free conflict coaching drop-in sessions.

Work-Wars_28534Graphic courtesy of workfront.com.

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Progressive Conflict Solutions
24 Veterans Square | Media, PA, 19063 (by appointment only)
Ellen@ progressiveconflictsolutions.com | 610-312-1463

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