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Progressive Conflict Solutions

Progressive Conflict Solutions

Conflict Resolution Services with Ellen Morfei

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Honoring Emotions in Divorce Financial Negotiations

May 27, 2018

In April, 2018, I was a speaker in two presentations at the Make Divorce Healthier Symposium — “Coaching to Enhance the Healthy Divorce Process” and “Strategic and Smarter Property Settlement Agreements.” Here are my remarks about emotions and divorce financial negotiations from the session on property settlements.

My co-presenters Samantha Evian, James Graves, Ellen Morfei, Loretta Hutchinson covered the nitty gritty of what equitable distribution means in PA, legal and financial case studies, and financial forecasting. I kicked off the session with the mediator’s perspective and a call for sensitively incorporating the emotions of the spouses into the financial negotiations. This is the text I used to guide my presentation.

I can’t tell you how often new clients come to me and tell me “we just want to split everything down the middle.” Then I get to meet with each of them. I talk to them both privately. And I review their finances. And I learn that they have different goals, different emotions, different cash flow, different earning power. So, if so many things are different, why do they both THINK that they want the same settlement?

All of this reminds to me of a story…

Do you know the famous short story “The Gift of the Maji” by O. Henry? It’s about a young couple of modest means at Christmas time. Both wants to give a special gift to the other, but they have little money to do so. In short, he sells his beloved pocket watch to buy her an ornamental comb for her beautiful hair. She cuts and sells her hair to buy a chain for his pocket watch. Even with a happy couple who is very much in love, knowing only half the story can have tragic consequences.

In a divorce, this same issue of knowing the view only one side – their emotions, goals, interests, feelings, and positions – can yield similarly undesirable outcomes. As a mediator, I’m luck to got to hear from both spouses in a divorce. But once you know all this, how can you help craft an agreement that accommodates, to the extent possible, the interests of both sides?

As a mediator, it’s critical that I support both sides in reaching an agreement that works for each spouse. But, even amicable divorcing couples have divergent interest – along with shared interests like the well-being of their kids and each other.

Emotions can be honored in divorce financial negotiations
Courtesy pxhere.com

I’m going to leave it mostly to my colleagues to address some of the specific financial vagaries between divorcing spouses and how those might be addressed in property settlement negotiations. I’m also going to leave it to them to discuss the nexus between behavior and cognition and how it can undermine good decision-making.

What *I* want to do is pause and recognize some of the emotional issues that can influence the property settlement agreement. I think the typical perspective on emotions in property settlement negotiations is that emotions need to be managed and minimized – that decisions infused with emotions are bad decisions or inferior to decisions made “rationally.” I would never argue that emotions should be a primary driver in crafting a property settlement agreement, but a couple CAN reach a creative, effective and equitable agreement that honors the emotions of the parties.

And, although I don’t have data to support this, I have a keen sense of two things. One, is that when emotions are honored, parties are more satisfied with their agreement. (Note there is data to support greater satisfaction and compliance with mediated agreements.)  Second, that parties that feel better about their agreement and the process used to reach it are in a better position to enter their post-divorce life with a sense of hopefulness and self-efficacy.

Some examples of emotions or emotionally-loaded issues in divorce that can be effectively considered when crafting a property settlement agreement are:

  • Fear of change/uncertainty (will be discussed much more by my colleagues)
  • Fear of finances/financial illiteracy
  • Fear of possible destitution or other financial tragedies (“I don’t want to end up as a ‘bag lady’”)
  • Risk tolerance
  • Tolerance/attitude toward debt
  • “Symbolism” of debt in the marriage – how was it acquired
  • Other “symbols” in marriage – I never wanted the house, boat, Lexus, or to move near his mother
  • Desire to retire early
  • Desire to keep “my retirement” money
  • Concern for supporting the kids in college and into young adulthood, may include weddings
  • Desire to keep the house – often underpinned by the desire to minimize disruption for the kids

The emotions – in general or around specific issues – can be honored in the agreement How?

  • Riskier assets retained more or fully by one party
  • More of retirement held by one party
  • More cash flow (or liquid cash) held by one party
  • Creative financing or buyout structure for the family home
  • College or other designated funds created for the kids
  • Debt retained more or fully by one party
  • Specific debts retained by one party
  • Specific assets to one party – the boat, the Lexus

Having said all that, feelings should not be honored to the detriment of an equitable settlement or sound finances. We can get creative, but we can’t please everyone all the time. And, as I often say, I can help you figure out all sorts of ways to slice up your pie, but I can’t make your pie bigger. I’m a mediator, not a magician.

But with creativity and collaboration, one can guide clients to reach prudent financial agreements that honor their individual interests, their goals, AND their emotions.

Update: Program for Mediators a Great Success

August 10, 2015

The Pennsylvania Council of Mediators (PCM) Regional Forum for Southeastern PA was a rousing success. The event, in the Progressive Conflict Solutions offices at HeadRoom, was held on October 1 for an engaged and enthusiastic group of conflict resolution professionals. The panel discussion “Crafting Better Mediation Outcomes through Party Preparation” was informative and elicited lively discussion. I led a discussion at the end of the evening on the state of mediation in PA and how PCM can better serve mediators and mediation clients. That too was a lively discussion with a lot of helpful feedback and brainstorming.

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Alogos part of my service as a Board Director of the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators, I’m helping to coordinate and host a regional forum for conflict resolution professionals. We are seeking panelists for the professional development portion of the program.

Dear Conflict Resolution Colleagues,

On the evening of Thursday, October 1, the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators with the help of the Greater Philadelphia Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution will hold a Regional Forum for conflict resolution professionals. The event will take place in Media in Delaware County. Part of the program will include a one hour panel discussion. We are seeking local professionals willing to join the panel to share how they are addressing party preparedness in their mediation practice.

Crafting Better Mediation Outcomes through Party Preparation

At the pre-conference workshop of PCM’s annual conference in April, 2015, Professor Timothy Hedeen presented on ways to improve mediation outcomes. One of his three workshop modules focused on party preparedness.

Hedeen reviewed various research on party preparedness including results of a survey he conducted of mediation professionals. Among the interesting results was the determination that mediators considered mediation clients (parties, not their lawyers or other professionals) to be under-prepared for mediation 47% of the time. The same survey respondents identified these as the five most overlooked preparation steps:

  1. Strengths and weaknesses of the party’s own case
  2. Other party’s interests in the dispute
  3. Strengths and weaknesses of the other party’s case
  4. Party’s interests in the dispute
  5. The role of the mediator

Join fellow local mediation practitioners share how they prepare parties for mediation, what steps they are taking to address these issues, and other aspects of party preparedness in their own mediation practices. Contact Ellen Morfei for more information. ellen@progressiveconflictsolutions.

Ellen Morfei: Super Mediator

July 16, 2015

Ellen Morfei Super Mediator

Sometimes (maybe a lot of times), the world works in mysterious ways. This spring, a large package arrived in my home mailbox. It was sort of motley package with the distinctive hand-writing of an old friend of mine. The day was a few days from my birthday and this friend had surprised me with a quirky, usually handmade, gift on a few other birthdays, so I was pretty sure I was in store for another such gift. And look what I found! I love this fun and funky homage to my mediation work and the long-standing Philadelphia conflict about who makes our city’s best cheesesteak. I won’t weigh-in about the best cheesesteak (I’m impartial, right!), but I will share this fantastic drawing. “I think this shows we’re making real progress here.”

Post-Script: This surprise became more sweet (and bittersweet) when my friend died shortly after my birthday in 2020. There will be no more of his hand-made birthday surprises.

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Previous Posts

  • All Are Welcome Here: Serving with Love and Acceptance Since Day One
  • We’re the TOPS! Ranked in the Top 14 Mediators Out of 300 in Philly
  • Professional Service: Re-elected to the Board of the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators
  • Workshop at the 2020 PA Council of Mediators Conference
  • Dealing with Family Conflict During the Holidays
  • Reflections on My First Five Years in Business, 2013-2018
  • Honoring Emotions in Divorce Financial Negotiations
  • Do You Need a Cohabitation Agreement?
  • My Interview About Healthy Divorce
  • Teaching PA’s Judges About Mediation
  • Speaking at the Annual Conference of the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators, April 22, 2017
  • A Stronger Us: Mediating A Prenuptial Agreement
  • Our Stories and Our Assumptions
  • Presenting at the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators Annual Conference, April 15, 2016
  • Service to the Profession: Make Divorce Healthier Symposium, November 15, 2016
  • Listening: A Profound New Year’s Resolution
  • Musing on Forgiveness and Apology: 8 Steps to Making a Meaningful and Effective Apology
  • Get My eBook: 26 Divorce Myths from 12 Divorce Professionals
  • Update: Program for Mediators a Great Success
  • Ellen Morfei: Super Mediator

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