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Archive for Conflict

24 Dec

Musing on Forgiveness and Apology: 8 Steps to Making a Meaningful and Effective Apology

As I write, the sun is setting to mark the end of the Jewish high holiday of Rosh Hashanah. Prominent themes of the holiday include reflection, asking for forgiveness and making amends. Regardless of your belief system, these are healthy and often cathartic exercises. But how does one properly ask for forgiveness? The cornerstone is apology.

An effective apology is more than just saying “I’m sorry.” Here are some steps to a successful apology.

1)      Mean It. An apology must be sincere to be truly effective. To mean it, you’ll need some time to reflect on what happened. You must come to understand what you did wrong in the situation and how it affected the other person.

2)      Own It. You need to take responsibility for your error and the ramifications, and you need to name them specifically in your apology. “I’m sorry I was late with my part of the project. I understand that makes you rush with your work.”

3)      Don’t Dilute It. Never add “if” or “but” to your apology. Never point the finger at the other person’s feelings. “I’m sorry if my actions hurt your feelings” is not a strong and effective apology.

4)      Correct It. You must make amends for your error. “I’m sorry I was late for the movie and caused us to have lousy seats. I’d like to take you to the theater this Saturday and make sure we get there in plenty of time.” Apologizing and then repeating the behavior undermines the apology and can undermine your credibility for future apologies.

5)      Keep It Simple. This is not the time to rehash everything that happened or otherwise explain yourself. Just state what you did wrong, the ramifications, and how you will correct it.

6)      Practice It. Whether you write it down, role play with a friend, or just have an imaginary conversation in your head (yes, we all do that), you need to be prepared. This apology is important. Take the time to be prepared.

7)      Stick It Out. Having your apology practiced will help you stick to your simple message, even if the person to whom you are apologizing reacts with anger, sadness, or frustration. You are apologizing because you know that you have injured this person. It’s quite possible that talking about that injury, even in the context of an apology, can be uncomfortable for both of you. Be ready to stick it out if you get dished some heat.

8)      Wait It Out. Just because you are ready to apologize, doesn’t mean that he’s ready to forgive. It’s reasonable to ask for forgiveness when you apologize, but it may take the other person some time before she can forgive you. She may never forgive you. Even if she doesn’t, making a sincere apology is an important part of forgiving yourself. A well-considered, genuine, and well-constructed apology is much more likely to lead to forgiveness – even if it takes a while.

So, take a little time to reflect and consider if you have hurt or offended anyone lately. Maybe it’s time to apologize.

a22 Blog Blogs & Bits Communication Conflict Resolution Skills Uncategorized
24 Dec

Is It Time for a Co-Parenting Tune-Up?

A custody agreement or parenting plan are not meant to be cast in stone. Kids change. Parents change. Circumstances change. Your plan should change too.

Perhaps one parent has a new and serious relationship. Or maybe that relationship has evolved further and your ex and children are now part of a blended family. Maybe now that your kids are older, your old schedule and expense sharing no longer work. Or maybe you’re having trouble agreeing on parenting priorities, summer camp plans, or the college selection and application process.

Mediation is an excellent way to review these issues together and develop a new parenting plan that fits your current circumstances. What could be more important that getting your co-parenting relationship back on track? Contact us for more information about co-parenting tune-ups and custody modifications.

I think in the end we all benefited greatly, especially our son, who was probably the primary beneficiary of Ellen’s excellent work.

~ Mediation Client

Blog Blogs & Bits Communication Conflict Divorce Family
24 Aug

Conflict Quotes ~ James Baldwin on Courage and Change

2015-08-24 Baldwin on Change and Courage

17 Aug

Conflict Quotes ~ John Stuart Mill on the Search for Truth

2015-08-17 Mill Don ifferences

17 Aug

Conflict Quotes ~ Thich Nhat Hanh on Reconcilation

2015-08-17 Hanh on reconcilation

10 Aug

Conflict Quotes ~ Robert Greenleaf on Communication

2015-08-10 Greenleaf

10 Aug

Conflict Quotes ~ Thomas Paine on Conflict

2015-08-10 Paine

03 Aug

Conflict Quotes ~ Charles Eisenstein on Judgement

2015-08-03 Eisenstein

03 Aug

Conflict Quotes ~ Oprah Winfrey on Foregiveness

2015-08-03 Oprah forgiveness quote

03 Aug

Conflict Quotes ~ Frank Tyger on Listening

2015-08-03 Tyger

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