Progressive Conflict Solutions

Conflict Resolution Services with Ellen Morfei

Conflict Skills

Listening: A Profound New Year’s Resolution

If speaking is silver, then listening is gold.   — Turkish Proverb

The year’s end is a natural time for reflection. I enjoy looking back at the past year – appreciating the successes and joys, considering what I’d like to do differently. I make resolutions most years. Sometimes they include typical themes like weight loss, but usually there are a few concrete goals to guide me through the year. A few years ago, I began recording these in a journal along with a few other notes and inspirations that speak to important and thought-provoking experiences like attending a retreat or processing a heartbreak. Yearly re-reading inspires new reflections and goals.    

I chuckled while recently revisiting one of my past resolution themes: Listen. Listen. Listen. Yes, it was there three times. It was almost as though I was shaking myself to get my attention – shouting even. As a mediator, I listen professionally and I realize its importance, but it’s much harder for me to do in daily life. You can probably relate. But listening is a cornerstone for broad, long term goals like having rich and loving personal relationships and a strong and effective professional referral network.

Effective listening – NOT the same as hearing – is a critical life skill that can be learned. To learn it well, you must PRACTICE. Perhaps improving your listening should be one of your new year’s resolutions. It’s a great pick because it improves all aspects of your life, while also benefiting those around you. Madelyn Burley-Allen, author of Listening: The Forgotten Skill, writes that when we listen deeply, we:

  • acknowledge the speaker
  • increase the speaker’s self-esteem and confidence
  • tell the speaker, “You are important” and “I am not judging you”
  • gain the speaker’s cooperation
  • reduce stress and tension
  • build teamwork
  • gain trust
  • elicit openness
  • gain a sharing of ideas and thoughts
  • obtain more valid information about the speaker and the subject 

Listening is at the heart of a healthy approach to minimizing conflicts and resolving them productively. We aren’t currently offering workshops. Contact me about coaching if you’d like to work on your listening skills one-on-one. 

Musing on Forgiveness and Apology: 8 Steps to Making a Meaningful and Effective Apology

As I write, the sun is setting to mark the end of the Jewish high holiday of Rosh Hashanah. Prominent themes of the holiday include reflection, asking for forgiveness and making amends. Regardless of your belief system, these are healthy and often cathartic exercises. But how does one properly ask for forgiveness? The cornerstone is apology.

An effective apology is more than just saying “I’m sorry.” Here are some steps to a successful apology.

1)      Mean It. An apology must be sincere to be truly effective. To mean it, you’ll need some time to reflect on what happened. You must come to understand what you did wrong in the situation and how it affected the other person.

2)      Own It. You need to take responsibility for your error and the ramifications, and you need to name them specifically in your apology. “I’m sorry I was late with my part of the project. I understand that makes you rush with your work.”

3)      Don’t Dilute It. Never add “if” or “but” to your apology. Never point the finger at the other person’s feelings. “I’m sorry if my actions hurt your feelings” is not a strong and effective apology.

4)      Correct It. You must make amends for your error. “I’m sorry I was late for the movie and caused us to have lousy seats. I’d like to take you to the theater this Saturday and make sure we get there in plenty of time.” Apologizing and then repeating the behavior undermines the apology and can undermine your credibility for future apologies.

5)      Keep It Simple. This is not the time to rehash everything that happened or otherwise explain yourself. Just state what you did wrong, the ramifications, and how you will correct it.

6)      Practice It. Whether you write it down, role play with a friend, or just have an imaginary conversation in your head (yes, we all do that), you need to be prepared. This apology is important. Take the time to be prepared.

7)      Stick It Out. Having your apology practiced will help you stick to your simple message, even if the person to whom you are apologizing reacts with anger, sadness, or frustration. You are apologizing because you know that you have injured this person. It’s quite possible that talking about that injury, even in the context of an apology, can be uncomfortable for both of you. Be ready to stick it out if you get dished some heat.

8)      Wait It Out. Just because you are ready to apologize, doesn’t mean that he’s ready to forgive. It’s reasonable to ask for forgiveness when you apologize, but it may take the other person some time before she can forgive you. She may never forgive you. Even if she doesn’t, making a sincere apology is an important part of forgiving yourself. A well-considered, genuine, and well-constructed apology is much more likely to lead to forgiveness – even if it takes a while.

So, take a little time to reflect and consider if you have hurt or offended anyone lately. Maybe it’s time to apologize.