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Archive for conflict management

16 Nov

Dealing with Family Conflict During the Holidays

Holidays are a stressful time for many and this year the tensions are heightened. It’s been a contentious year and the thought of facing the usually boisterous Uncle Fred may be working you into a lather like never before. These strategies can help. (Adapted from article by Alexandria Skinner, December 2012)

CHANGE YOUR OWN THINKING

Lower your expectations

Forget Norman Rockwell and Mayberry RFD. Every family has its issues. There’s a reason you don’t all live in the same house! Don’t expect more from family gatherings than reality can deliver.

Assess the stage of the conflict and respond appropriately

Conflict ranges in intensity to mild curiosity over differences, to heated disagreement, to warfare that requires intervention by law enforcement. Adjust strategy to the stage of conflict.

  • At mildest levels, keep an open mind. Listen to what the other party is saying. Ask open-ended questions to aid listening and communication. Don’t be afraid of lively conversation, so long as no one is getting their feelings hurt!
  • At moderate levels, the jokes are not funny and there is pointed disagreement. Use diversion, separation, and deliberate use of third parties to inject some distraction and relief. Change the subject of conversation. If those don’t work, you can always just say that you’re not willing to engage in that topic.
  • At severe levels pay attention to personal safety and mental health. Do not engage or retaliate, but do remove yourself from an unhealthy or unsafe situation. Alcohol can increase the potential for violence. Do not imbibe excessively, and watch out for those who do. Stay with others as there’s some safety in numbers.

2016-11-14-ram-dass-on-family-conflict

APPLY PRINCIPLES FROM INTEREST BASED NEGOTIATION

Separate people from the problem

Before responding to any outlandish comment, take a moment to breathe deeply. Hit the “pause” button! After a bit, you may feel that the world will not come to an end if you do not respond. When expressing disagreement, do it in ways that do not attack the person. Do this by using “I” statements. For instance, instead of saying, “That is a stupid idea,” (which attacks the person by calling them stupid), say, “I’m having trouble seeing how that idea is feasible, could you explain how it’s possible for a train engine to fly?” (Does not express your judgment, but invites the other person to explore the basis for their own beliefs further.) Change the topic of conversation. Assign a task to the problem person. Take charge of seating! Make place cards and literally put enemies at opposite ends of the table.

Focus on interests, not positions

John Doe has just made some outrageous statement. Rather than take it at face value that the moon is made from cheese, try to understand the motives, fears and needs that underlie his statement. Only if you are willing to listen and deepen your relationship, try the use of open-ended questions that deepen the conversation. Examples: “this sounds like it upsets you very much.” Or “tell me more about that.” Then listen for underlying needs and affirm your concern for those needs. Listening without judging or interrupting is an art that is too often neglected in our society. It may surprise you when the real issue or basis for the belief is totally different from the way that concern was expressed at first.

Invent options for mutual gain

It is perfectly acceptable to agree to disagree. This enables both of you to enjoy the non-adversarial aspects of your relationship. Talk about the weather and about the Philadelphia Eagles. Suppose one person believes in Obamacare and another wants it repealed. See if you can both agree that you both want people to be healthy. Then, leave it at that. Another tip is to team up ahead of time with a buddy and mutually agree to “rescue” each other if one of you gets cornered. Even choose a secret signal to call for help. Make sure people have different spaces in which to congregate or to get away from each other. Provide escape routes both physically and with activities or crafts that provide a diversion. If you see someone being overwhelmed by a challenging family member, rescue them by asking them to help with something. Create activities with which to engage the challenging family member. (“Will you please carve the ham?”) Taking a guest can sometimes cause family keep their company manners, and also provide a welcome diversion.

Insist on objective criteria

Don’t sweat the small stuff! The objective truth is that you only have to put up with your crazy relative for one day. Remind yourself of that! Take deep breaths and relax. Focus on something else rather than the conflict. (“My, isn’t this wonderful apple pie!”) At lower levels of conflict or disagreement, it’s okay to ask for a person to clarify their statements by asking open-ended questions which get to the root of the person’s belief: “I’ve never heard that. What source did you use to find that fact?” If conversation is friendly, deeper questions can help to clarify misconceptions.

Know and exercise your BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement), if needed

In negotiation, it is important for a party to balance what they are offered in negotiation against what they would get through non-negotiated solutions. If the non-negotiated solution would be better than the negotiated, that is the point at which you exercise your BATNA. In family relationships, the equivalent of knowing your BATNA may be to consider and decide what level of engagement with your family is going to make you feel the most peaceful and happy in the long run. Then, draw limits (or choose what limits to draw) and place conditions on the visit. If the visit becomes unpleasant, the alternative is to find an excuse to leave.

Holidays are also a time that can lead to domestic violence. Statistically, one woman in four will be a victim of domestic violence at some time in her life. One in three female homicide victims is killed at the hands of her partner. Threats of violence, especially accompanied by a weapon, must be taken very seriously. Contrary to what we might wish, holidays are a time of increased violence. If this is a situation that might apply to you, develop a personal safety plan which would cover how you would escape, where to, what you would take, and you could call for help.

BE A HEALER AND OPEN TO HEALING

Where there is a gap to be bridged, choose to make the first move toward forgiveness or understanding. When possible, give the benefit of the doubt. Be willing to acknowledge mistakes from the past and ask forgiveness (when appropriate). If the person retaliates, do not respond in kind. But also, take care of yourself. Sometimes, the most healing thing to do is to walk away. If necessary, give yourself permission to take care of yourself, by staying away or leaving early.

Need a little more help with conflict? Consider mediation or coaching with us.

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27 Jul

Conflict Quotes ~ Lee Iacocca on Listening

2015-07-27 Iococca

02 Feb

Workshop: Build Your Conflict Competence

I’ll be offering a three-week workshop in April through the Wallingford-Swarthmore Community Classes. Register.

Workshop: Build Your Conflict Competence

Much as we seek peace, conflict is always with us. Learn to deal with conflict in your personal and professional life more competently by examining conflict concepts, conflict styles, listening skills and communication methods. The course combines classroom instruction, class participation through games, exercises, role-playing, and Q and A. Practice what you learn in class between sessions and build your conflict competence. Share some of your personal experiences with conflict—past and present. Confidentiality is expected.

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23 Aug

Cultivate Your Peace: A Practice and Reading Group

Cultivate Your Peace: A Practice and Reading Group

Six Wednesdays between October 8, 2014 to January 28, 2015

Join us for a six-session reading group focused on James O’Dea’s Cultivating Peace:  Becoming a 21st Century Peace Ambassador.  O’Dea, a world-renowned peace activist and former executive at Amnesty International, has crafted a guide to peace work that integrates cultural, spiritual, scientific, and personal aspects that are at play in developing personal as well as global peace.

You and our fellow group members will read sections of Cultivating Peace:  Becoming a 21st Century Peace Ambassador independently and engage in the “Reflection and Practice” included with each chapter.  As a group, we will share our experiences reading and practicing Cultivating Peace:  Becoming a 21st Century Peace Ambassador in an on-line community forum and in six in-person meetings.

O’Dea’s approach “speaks universally to peace activists, mediators, negotiators, psychologists, educators, businesspeople, and clergy – and to everyday citizens”.

Powerful, practical and actionable, this book breaks new ground in how we think about, engage with and integrate peace work into our lives.   Join us as we experience the transformative Cultivating Peace process together.  Your hosts:  Ellen Morfei of Progressive Conflict Solutions and Skip Shuda of Integral Philly.  To enroll, please RSVP to ellen@progressiveconflictsolutions.com.   This is a FREE program, but enrollment is limited to 12.

Program Schedule

Date and Time Session #/Topic Location
Wed., October 8, 7-9pm 1)  Welcome and discussion of Cultivating Peace, Introduction though Chapter 1 (pp. xiii-16) Progressive Conflict Solutions 45 Veterans Sq.Media, PA 19063
Wed., October 29, 7-9 pm 2) Discussion of Cultivating Peace, Chapters 2-3 (pp. 17-60) Private home in Media
Wed., November 19, 7-9 pm 3) Discussion of Cultivating Peace, Chapters 4-5 (pp. 61-100) Progressive Conflict Solutions45 Veterans Sq.
Wed., December 10, 7-9 pm 4) Discussion of Cultivating Peace, Chapters 6-7 (101-156).  Optional reading/listening: The Aikido of Peace Private home in Media
Wed., January 7, 7-9 pm 5) Discussion of Cultivating Peace, Chapters 8-9 (pp. 157-202) Progressive Conflict Solutions45 Veterans Sq.
Wed., January 28, 7-9 pm 6) Discussion of Cultivating Peace, Chapter 10 and conclusion (pp. 203-224) and program closing Private home in Media

 

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01 Jul

The Rise and Fall of Tension

Tension Raising Behaviors:

  • 100% statements
  • Labelling
  • Put downs and excitable statements
  • Threats
  • Interpreting/analyzing/patronizing/matronizing
  • Collecting allies
  • Non-verbal behaviors
  • Preparing an attack
  • Sarcasm
  • Defensiveness/self-justifying
  • Over detailing 

Tension Reducing Behaviors:

  • Acknowledging probable legitimate concerns
  • Put in perspective
  • Be specific
  • Own the interpretation
  • Own the personal response
  • Invite feedback
  • Invite response

The Rise and Fall of Tension by Geoff Sharp

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23 Dec

Stumbling on a Model for Interpersonal Conflict Management

A few months ago, I joined a book club. It was newly formed by a friend in my town and she invited friends from various spheres in her life. I’ve been wanting to get back to reading more, and I like meeting new people, adore discussing diverse viewpoints, and relish small gatherings, so a book club sounded perfect!

My name was drawn at our last gathering, so the next reading selection was mine. I had a few books in mind, but no front runner. After a bit of hemming and hawing, I selected a book already on shelves — one given to me by a dear friend who thought I would enjoy it. Gail Caldwell’s Let’s Take the Long Way Home is, as the subtitle indicates, a memoir of friendship — specifically Caldwell’s friendship with fellow author Caroline Knapp.

My purpose is not to give a review of Caldwell’s memoir (which I found well-written, touching and enjoyable), but rather to share a little surprise I found in it. Caldwell writes in detail about how her friendship with Knapp developed and deepened. I was particularly struck when she talked about their first conflict. Caldwell recalls:

We found out that day, fairly quickly, how great and complex our fondness was for each other; I also had my first sense of something central about Caroline that would become a pillar of our friendship. When she was confronted with any emotional difficulty, however slight or major, her response was to approach rather than to flee. There she would stay until the matter was resolved, and the emotional aftermath was free of any hangover or recrimination. My instincts toward resolution were similar: I knew that silence and distance were far more pernicious than head-on engagement. This compatibility helped ensure that there was no unclaimed baggage between us in the years to come.

What a wonderful model for interpersonal conflict management! To approach rather than avoid a conflict, to continue with it until resolved, and to allow that to be the end of the issue (“free of hangover or recrimination”). While Caldwell indicates a similar philosphy, I think it’s noteworthy that she attributes this trait in her friend as the “pillar of [their] friendship”. Caldwell’s “instinct” needs her friend’s conflict resolution action to strengthen their friendship. When one person in a personal relationship is willing to lean into conflict, it bouys both people.

Perhaps next time you feel a personal conflict brewing, rather than opt for the “silence and distance,” try to “approach” the conflict and stick with it until resolution. With practice, you might find this a be a pillar for you too.

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