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Archive for Communication

24 Dec

Musing on Forgiveness and Apology: 8 Steps to Making a Meaningful and Effective Apology

As I write, the sun is setting to mark the end of the Jewish high holiday of Rosh Hashanah. Prominent themes of the holiday include reflection, asking for forgiveness and making amends. Regardless of your belief system, these are healthy and often cathartic exercises. But how does one properly ask for forgiveness? The cornerstone is apology.

An effective apology is more than just saying “I’m sorry.” Here are some steps to a successful apology.

1)      Mean It. An apology must be sincere to be truly effective. To mean it, you’ll need some time to reflect on what happened. You must come to understand what you did wrong in the situation and how it affected the other person.

2)      Own It. You need to take responsibility for your error and the ramifications, and you need to name them specifically in your apology. “I’m sorry I was late with my part of the project. I understand that makes you rush with your work.”

3)      Don’t Dilute It. Never add “if” or “but” to your apology. Never point the finger at the other person’s feelings. “I’m sorry if my actions hurt your feelings” is not a strong and effective apology.

4)      Correct It. You must make amends for your error. “I’m sorry I was late for the movie and caused us to have lousy seats. I’d like to take you to the theater this Saturday and make sure we get there in plenty of time.” Apologizing and then repeating the behavior undermines the apology and can undermine your credibility for future apologies.

5)      Keep It Simple. This is not the time to rehash everything that happened or otherwise explain yourself. Just state what you did wrong, the ramifications, and how you will correct it.

6)      Practice It. Whether you write it down, role play with a friend, or just have an imaginary conversation in your head (yes, we all do that), you need to be prepared. This apology is important. Take the time to be prepared.

7)      Stick It Out. Having your apology practiced will help you stick to your simple message, even if the person to whom you are apologizing reacts with anger, sadness, or frustration. You are apologizing because you know that you have injured this person. It’s quite possible that talking about that injury, even in the context of an apology, can be uncomfortable for both of you. Be ready to stick it out if you get dished some heat.

8)      Wait It Out. Just because you are ready to apologize, doesn’t mean that he’s ready to forgive. It’s reasonable to ask for forgiveness when you apologize, but it may take the other person some time before she can forgive you. She may never forgive you. Even if she doesn’t, making a sincere apology is an important part of forgiving yourself. A well-considered, genuine, and well-constructed apology is much more likely to lead to forgiveness – even if it takes a while.

So, take a little time to reflect and consider if you have hurt or offended anyone lately. Maybe it’s time to apologize.

a22 Blog Blogs & Bits Communication Conflict Resolution Skills Uncategorized
06 Oct

NEW! Listening Skills Class Offered, October 26, November 2

“One friend, one person who is truly understanding, who takes the trouble to listen to us as we consider a problem, can change our whole outlook on the world.”

— Dr. E. H. Mayo

I’m always writing about the importance of listening (like here and here) and sharing inspiring quotes about it.  Now is your chance to build your listening skills at an incredibly affordable price. I’m teaching a two evening workshop for the Wallingford Swarthmore Community Classes program.  Classes are Monday, October 26 and November 2 from 7-9 pm. Each night can be taken as a standalone, but registration is only available for the whole program. I hope you will join us.

Blog Communication Conflict Resolution Skills Event Listening Professional Development Workshop
06 Oct

Listen Up! The Stats on the Power of Listening Are Staggering

How-we-communicateTo share just a few:

Number of business studies that indicate that listening is a top skill needed for success in business: 35

Numerical order among the reasons that marriages fail that not really listening is: 1

Amount of time we spend listening: 45%

Percentage of what we know that we have learned by listening: 85%

Amount of the time we are distracted, preoccupied or forgetful when listening: 75%

Reduction in office visits by chronically ill patients after they have been listened to for 15-30 minutes: 30%

Percentage of Americans who have had any formal education in listening: 2%

Maybe it’s time for you to get a formal education on listening. Check out our latest workshops.

 

Sources: 

Listening facts you never knew

Listening Facts

Listening Statistics

 

 

 

 

 

 

a22 Articles Blog Communication Conflict Resolution Skills Listening Uncategorized
10 Aug

Conflict Quotes ~ Robert Greenleaf on Communication

2015-08-10 Greenleaf

15 May

Wise Words from Rumi

Minding your volume and word choice make it much easier for people to listen to your message. And listening is the key to understanding.
Rumi Raise Your Words

02 Feb

Workshop: Build Your Conflict Competence

I’ll be offering a three-week workshop in April through the Wallingford-Swarthmore Community Classes. Register.

Workshop: Build Your Conflict Competence

Much as we seek peace, conflict is always with us. Learn to deal with conflict in your personal and professional life more competently by examining conflict concepts, conflict styles, listening skills and communication methods. The course combines classroom instruction, class participation through games, exercises, role-playing, and Q and A. Practice what you learn in class between sessions and build your conflict competence. Share some of your personal experiences with conflict—past and present. Confidentiality is expected.

a22 Articles Bits Blog Blogs & Bits Communication Conflict conflict coaching Conflict Resolution Skills Listening workplace conflict Workshop
01 Jul

The Rise and Fall of Tension

Tension Raising Behaviors:

  • 100% statements
  • Labelling
  • Put downs and excitable statements
  • Threats
  • Interpreting/analyzing/patronizing/matronizing
  • Collecting allies
  • Non-verbal behaviors
  • Preparing an attack
  • Sarcasm
  • Defensiveness/self-justifying
  • Over detailing 

Tension Reducing Behaviors:

  • Acknowledging probable legitimate concerns
  • Put in perspective
  • Be specific
  • Own the interpretation
  • Own the personal response
  • Invite feedback
  • Invite response

The Rise and Fall of Tension by Geoff Sharp

a22 Blogs & Bits Communication Conflict Conflict Resolution Skills
23 Dec

Stumbling on a Model for Interpersonal Conflict Management

A few months ago, I joined a book club. It was newly formed by a friend in my town and she invited friends from various spheres in her life. I’ve been wanting to get back to reading more, and I like meeting new people, adore discussing diverse viewpoints, and relish small gatherings, so a book club sounded perfect!

My name was drawn at our last gathering, so the next reading selection was mine. I had a few books in mind, but no front runner. After a bit of hemming and hawing, I selected a book already on shelves — one given to me by a dear friend who thought I would enjoy it. Gail Caldwell’s Let’s Take the Long Way Home is, as the subtitle indicates, a memoir of friendship — specifically Caldwell’s friendship with fellow author Caroline Knapp.

My purpose is not to give a review of Caldwell’s memoir (which I found well-written, touching and enjoyable), but rather to share a little surprise I found in it. Caldwell writes in detail about how her friendship with Knapp developed and deepened. I was particularly struck when she talked about their first conflict. Caldwell recalls:

We found out that day, fairly quickly, how great and complex our fondness was for each other; I also had my first sense of something central about Caroline that would become a pillar of our friendship. When she was confronted with any emotional difficulty, however slight or major, her response was to approach rather than to flee. There she would stay until the matter was resolved, and the emotional aftermath was free of any hangover or recrimination. My instincts toward resolution were similar: I knew that silence and distance were far more pernicious than head-on engagement. This compatibility helped ensure that there was no unclaimed baggage between us in the years to come.

What a wonderful model for interpersonal conflict management! To approach rather than avoid a conflict, to continue with it until resolved, and to allow that to be the end of the issue (“free of hangover or recrimination”). While Caldwell indicates a similar philosphy, I think it’s noteworthy that she attributes this trait in her friend as the “pillar of [their] friendship”. Caldwell’s “instinct” needs her friend’s conflict resolution action to strengthen their friendship. When one person in a personal relationship is willing to lean into conflict, it bouys both people.

Perhaps next time you feel a personal conflict brewing, rather than opt for the “silence and distance,” try to “approach” the conflict and stick with it until resolution. With practice, you might find this a be a pillar for you too.

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