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Archive for Professional Development

17 Mar

Workshop at the 2020 PA Council of Mediators Conference

Note: When this conference was canceled due to the coronavirus pandemic, I was invited to convert my content to webinar format and offer it as the Pennsylvania Council of Mediator’s inaugural webinar. The program was co-hosted by PCM and the Chester County Bar Association. The recording is available through the Bar Association.

I’m pleased to have been selected to deliver workshop again at the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators Annual Conference, May 1-2 in Harrisburg. The workshops is entitled ” What is Tone Policing and Why Every Conflict Resolution Professional Needs to Understand It.”

Tone policing is a popular term used to describe the silencing of a party in a conflict because they are expressing strong emotions. Dig a little further and you find complex dynamics at play: class, race, gender, ableism and other power dynamics as well as messages about what feelings are acceptable and how, or even if, we can show them. This workshop will dive into the details and nuances of: tone policing, how our personal demographics might sway our perceptions of tone policing and whether we might be tone policing, how to differentiate between tone policing and healthy boundaries, and how we as conflict resolution professionals can help address these sensitive and contentious concerns.

Conflict Conflict Resolution Skills Event Event List Professional Development Uncategorized Workshop
27 May

Honoring Emotions in Divorce Financial Negotiations

In April, 2018, I was a speaker in two presentations at the Make Divorce Healthier Symposium — “Coaching to Enhance the Healthy Divorce Process” and “Strategic and Smarter Property Settlement Agreements.” Here are my remarks about emotions and divorce financial negotiations from the session on property settlements.

My co-presenters Samantha Evian, James Graves, Ellen Morfei, Loretta Hutchinson covered the nitty gritty of what equitable distribution means in PA, legal and financial case studies, and financial forecasting. I kicked off the session with the mediator’s perspective and a call for sensitively incorporating the emotions of the spouses into the financial negotiations. This is the text I used to guide my presentation.

I can’t tell you how often new clients come to me and tell me “we just want to split everything down the middle.” Then I get to meet with each of them. I talk to them both privately. And I review their finances. And I learn that they have different goals, different emotions, different cash flow, different earning power. So, if so many things are different, why do they both THINK that they want the same settlement?

All of this reminds to me of a story…

Do you know the famous short story “The Gift of the Maji” by O. Henry? It’s about a young couple of modest means at Christmas time. Both wants to give a special gift to the other, but they have little money to do so. In short, he sells his beloved pocket watch to buy her an ornamental comb for her beautiful hair. She cuts and sells her hair to buy a chain for his pocket watch. Even with a happy couple who is very much in love, knowing only half the story can have tragic consequences.

In a divorce, this same issue of knowing the view only one side – their emotions, goals, interests, feelings, and positions – can yield similarly undesirable outcomes. As a mediator, I’m luck to got to hear from both spouses in a divorce. But once you know all this, how can you help craft an agreement that accommodates, to the extent possible, the interests of both sides?

As a mediator, it’s critical that I support both sides in reaching an agreement that works for each spouse. But, even amicable divorcing couples have divergent interest – along with shared interests like the well-being of their kids and each other.

Emotions can be honored in divorce financial negotiations

Courtesy pxhere.com

I’m going to leave it mostly to my colleagues to address some of the specific financial vagaries between divorcing spouses and how those might be addressed in property settlement negotiations. I’m also going to leave it to them to discuss the nexus between behavior and cognition and how it can undermine good decision-making.

What *I* want to do is pause and recognize some of the emotional issues that can influence the property settlement agreement. I think the typical perspective on emotions in property settlement negotiations is that emotions need to be managed and minimized – that decisions infused with emotions are bad decisions or inferior to decisions made “rationally.” I would never argue that emotions should be a primary driver in crafting a property settlement agreement, but a couple CAN reach a creative, effective and equitable agreement that honors the emotions of the parties.

And, although I don’t have data to support this, I have a keen sense of two things. One, is that when emotions are honored, parties are more satisfied with their agreement. (Note there is data to support greater satisfaction and compliance with mediated agreements.)  Second, that parties that feel better about their agreement and the process used to reach it are in a better position to enter their post-divorce life with a sense of hopefulness and self-efficacy.

Some examples of emotions or emotionally-loaded issues in divorce that can be effectively considered when crafting a property settlement agreement are:

  • Fear of change/uncertainty (will be discussed much more by my colleagues)
  • Fear of finances/financial illiteracy
  • Fear of possible destitution or other financial tragedies (“I don’t want to end up as a ‘bag lady’”)
  • Risk tolerance
  • Tolerance/attitude toward debt
  • “Symbolism” of debt in the marriage – how was it acquired
  • Other “symbols” in marriage – I never wanted the house, boat, Lexus, or to move near his mother
  • Desire to retire early
  • Desire to keep “my retirement” money
  • Concern for supporting the kids in college and into young adulthood, may include weddings
  • Desire to keep the house – often underpinned by the desire to minimize disruption for the kids

The emotions – in general or around specific issues – can be honored in the agreement How?

  • Riskier assets retained more or fully by one party
  • More of retirement held by one party
  • More cash flow (or liquid cash) held by one party
  • Creative financing or buyout structure for the family home
  • College or other designated funds created for the kids
  • Debt retained more or fully by one party
  • Specific debts retained by one party
  • Specific assets to one party – the boat, the Lexus

Having said all that, feelings should not be honored to the detriment of an equitable settlement or sound finances. We can get creative, but we can’t please everyone all the time. And, as I often say, I can help you figure out all sorts of ways to slice up your pie, but I can’t make your pie bigger. I’m a mediator, not a magician.

But with creativity and collaboration, one can guide clients to reach prudent financial agreements that honor their individual interests, their goals, AND their emotions.

Divorce Divorcing Family Featured Mediation Professional Development
22 Feb

Two Conflict Competence Workshops Offered This Spring

I’m offering two full day workshops from the Building Conflict Competence series this spring with one big change: both workshops will be offered on a pay-what-you-can basis. Previous workshops have been (affordably) priced at $60 each or two for $100, but now you can decide what payment works for you. Past attendees will tell you that the lessons in each workshop are invaluable in all parts of their lives. I hope you will consider joining me.

REAL TALK WITHOUT BURNING BRIDGES, Saturday, March 10, 9:30-4

LISTENING: A SKILL-BUILDING WORKSHOP, Saturday, April 28, 9:30-4

Both workshops employ a combination of lecture, exercises, experiential activities, and take-away practices and are part of the Building Conflict Competence Series. The schedule includes a lunch break. Participants provide their own lunch. There are many dining options in easy walking distance. REGISTER

Location: 24 Veterans Square, Media, PA 19063 (look for the orange and black HeadRoom awning). The space is located on the second floor and access is by steps only.

REAL TALK WITHOUT BURNING BRIDGES

It’s a tough time for real talk. Our political climate is divisive and often uncivil and it’s bleeding into all parts of our lives. So, how to do you engage in civil dialogue and real talk when you are not in agreement? You can learn how and apply it at work, home, social settings, or any where else and do it without burning bridges. What does one learn in a workshop on dialogue? Well, in this one, you learn:
  • A lot about listening
  • A lot about effective questions usually coming from a place of curiosity
  • An overview of what research has shown to change people’s minds and what does not change people’s minds
  • An overview of cognitive bias
  • What we can do to encourage people to listen to us
  • Strategies to manage our internal challenges in dialogue (be it internal dialogues, biases, a choking lump in your throat, fear, a heart that beats so fast you don’t know how you can do it, developing courage, etc.)
  • Regular practices that help built skills and capabilities
  • And more   (NOTE: This workshop was previously titled Secrets to Civil and Productive Dialogue.)

LISTENING: A SKILL-BUILDING WORKSHOP

I’m always writing about the importance of listening (like here and here) and like to share inspiring quotes about it. Now is your chance to build your listening skills in a fun and engaging one day workshop. We’ll build your listening skills for improved performance at work and to strengthen your personal relationships.

Articles Bits Blog Blogs & Bits Communication Conflict Resolution Skills Event Listening Professional Development Workshop
27 Oct

Teaching PA’s Judges About Mediation

I’m pleased to be teaching PA judges about alternative dispute resolution. Retired Judge Stephanie Klein and I will be co-teaching in the Minor Judiciary Education Board Continuing Education Program over 14 weeks from September through May. All of the Commonwealth’s Magisterial District Judges attend these week-long training sessions where they are instructed on a wide variety of issues. We’ve been introducing mediation and arbitration, discussing mandatory mediation and arbitration clauses in contracts, and illustrating the benefits of mediation for conflicts when the relationship between the disputants matter.  It’s an honor to be able to share the important message of ADR with such an influential audience.

Articles Bits Blog Blogs & Bits Conflict Resolution Skills Event Mediation Professional Development
27 Oct

We’re the TOPS! Ranked in the Top 18 Mediators Out of 300 in Philly

 

Did you know of over 300 arbitrators and mediators in the Philly area, I’m ranked one of the top 18? Yep!

Expertise.com looked at 318 arbitrators and mediators in the Philly metro area and evaluated us on reputation, credibility, building customer confidence with licensing, accreditations, and awards, experience, availability, and professionalism. I’m happy to be recognized.

Articles Bits Blog Blogs & Bits conflict coaching Conflict Resolution Skills Divorce Divorcing Featured Mediation Professional Development
15 Mar

Speaking at the Annual Conference of the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators, April 22, 2017

I’m pleased to be presenting a workshop at the Annual Conference of the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators in Harrisburg. This year’s theme is practice challenges. The two-day conference will be kicked off with a full-day workshop with internationally renowned conflict resolution expert Bernie Mayer, who will present “The Conflict Paradox: The Dilemmas and Contradictions that Define our Work (and our Lives).”

On day two, I’ll sharing some of my unique approaches to mediation in “Coaching to Improve Mediation Outcomes: An Examination of Processes, Pitfalls, and Ethics.” The program description is below:

Careful and skilled application of coaching approaches can effectively support parties in making free and informed choices, deepen their understanding of the conflict, achieve greater clarity about their goals in the mediation, reach more thorough understandings about their decision-making, bolster their self-advocacy, and strengthen their commitment to and compliance with their mediated agreement. But the application of coaching techniques without care, caution, and skill, can raise questions about the mediator’s impartiality and potential for favoritism. We will examine how practices of conflict and personal coaching can be applied to support self-determination and avoid appearances of partiality.

Articles Blog Communication Conflict conflict coaching Mediation Professional Development Workshop
15 Mar

Our Birthday, Your Deal! (Expires April 30, 2017)

In honor of my BIG birthday (no actual number to be mentioned – but you can infer), I’m offering a gift to YOU. Contact me about conflict coaching before the end of April, and you’ll get the first hour for 50% off. That’s a $80 value to help you prepare for a difficult conversation, understand and improve your conflict responses, or strategize about how to better communicate with that tough person.

Blog Communication Conflict conflict coaching Conflict Resolution Skills Professional Development
15 Mar

Listening Workshop, April 29

I’m always writing about the importance of listening (like here and here) and like to share inspiring quotes about it. Now is your chance to build your listening skills in a fun and engaging one day workshop. We’ll build your listening skills for improved performance at work and to strengthen your personal relationships.

The workshop employs a combination of lecture, exercises, experiential activities, and take-away practices and is part of the Building Conflict Competence Series. The schedule includes a lunch break. Participants provide their own lunch. There are many dining options in easy walking distance.

 

Be part of the latest offering of our Listening Workshop on Saturday, April 29th, 9:30-4, 24 Veterans Square, Media, PA 19063 (look for the orange and black HeadRoom awning).

Cost of the workshop is $60 per person or $100 for two people. Register today!

Registration
Name and emails of Attendees



Articles Blog Communication Conflict Conflict Resolution Skills Event Listening Professional Development
20 Jan

Secrets to Civil and Productive Dialogue, Saturday, May 20th

I took the Secrets to Civil and Productive Dialogue workshop and highly recommend it. Ellen’s style for running the workshop helped me learn new skills and practice them with others. I left feeling more aware of my own communication style and emotional response, and open to listening to others. I’m more prepared for the difficult conversations that may come my way.

It’s a tough time for productive and civil dialogue. The recent elections have been divisive and often uncivil. But how to do you engage in civil dialogue when you are not in agreement? You can learn how! Join Secrets to Civil and Productive Dialogue, Saturday, May 20th, 9:30-4, 24 Veterans Square, Media, PA 19063 (look for the orange and black HeadRoom awning).
So, you ask, what does one learn in a workshop on dialogue? Well, in this one, you learn:

* A lot about listening
* A lot about effective questions usually coming from a place of curiosity
* An overview of what research has shown to change people’s minds and what does not change people’s minds
* An overview of cognitive bias
* What we can do to encourage people to listen to us
* Strategies to manage our internal challenges in dialogue (be it internal dialogues, biases, a choking lump in your throat, fear, a heart that beats so fast you don’t know how you can do it, developing courage, etc.)
* Regular practices that help built skills and capabilities
* And more

This workshop will build your dialogue skills using a combination of lecture, exercises, experiential activities, and take-away practices. The workshop is part of the Building Conflict Competence Series. The schedule includes a lunch break. Participants provide their own lunch. There are many dining options in easy walking distance.

Cost of the workshop is $60 per person or $100 for two people. Register today!


Registration for Dialogue Workshop May 20, 2017
Name and emails of attendees



Articles Communication Conflict Conflict Resolution Skills Event Professional Development Workshop
27 Jun

Our Stories and Our Assumptions

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. But which words? The viewer is the author and gets to choose those words. And every day, we are creators of the stories we tell ourselves about the pictures we see. The stories you tell influence how you interact with the world – and even the story you tell about yourself.

Nieuwe generatie museumbezoekers in het Rijksmuseum / A new generation of museum visitors in the Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam

A few years ago, this picture went viral on social media. I immediately started using it in my conflict resolution workshops. Why? Well, many (maybe most!) conflicts are underpinned with assumptions and we all make a lot of incorrect or at least unhelpful assumptions. If I had my druthers, we would refrain far more from assuming and instead explore and inquire to find out more information. But that’s not always an option. Sometimes we just have to deduce the story ourselves. But what would happen if we crafted a better story? A more positive story?

When most people see this picture of students in front of Rembrandt’s The Nightwatch at the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, they see kids choosing to look at their phones instead of a masterpiece. The story they write is accompanied by admonitions like “Kids these days!”, “Smartphones are a terrible distraction” and similar sentiments. But that’s not the story we have to tell (and it’s also not the real story). We can choose to tell a more positive story: “The kids are using a museum tool to better understand the painting” or “They’re designing an app to increase art appreciation.”

The stories we tell ourselves about others influence us, them, and our relationships. A positive outlook can make you more resistant to pain, lower your cholesterol, and increase your longevity. It also helps you build skills to improve your personal relationships and workplace success and satisfaction. (Read more here and here and here too.) Positive story-telling is a key part of having or developing an overall sense of positivity and is a critical skill in improving your conflict management skills.

As with all conflict management skills, I encourage my workshop participants to practice using these skills before they are in a conflict. Positive story-telling is actually a fun skill to practice. There’s a scene in the comic movie Date Night where the married characters played by Tine Fey and Steve Carell amuse themselves by playing a game they call What’s Their Story in which they craft tales about other restaurant diners. (It’s pretty funny, but also pretty adult, so I’ll let you Google it yourself.) Try a twist on their game and challenge yourself to tell only positive stories about the people you observe around you. Next time you are out with time to kill, don’t grab your smartphone for a distraction. Look at the people around you and craft positive stories about them. Or better yet, engage your partner or kids in doing it with you! You’ll get a good laugh, but you’ll also train yourself to think more positively about other people.

Getting good at that? Try it for the people you know when they behave in ways that don’t make immediate sense to you. In the process, you will find that you have fewer unnecessary conflicts and also improve your ability to resolve the needed ones.

Happy storytelling!

Articles Bits Blog Blogs & Bits Communication Conflict conflict coaching Conflict Resolution Skills Professional Development
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