Header

Archive for Divorcing

04 Mar

Second Saturday Comes To Delco

March 9 marks the first time this venerable divorce workshop will be held in Delaware County. This workshop is for you if:

  • You are contemplating divorce
  • You are in the process of getting divorced
  • You’ve already filed for divorce and are overwhelmed by the process
  • You’re not sure what to do next.

Guided by compassionate family lawyers, financial and counseling professionals, otherwise complex issues will be condensed and simplified so that you can develop a plan to make informed decisions. You will leave with more confidence, greater clarity and prepare to make decisions for those critical next steps.

  • Understand the Divorce Process & Legal Issues: Understand the legal process, how support and custody are determined for you and your children and how marital property is divided.
  • Gain Financial Control of Your Divorce: Identify assets and liabilities, evaluate tax implications and understand the near-term and future financial impact of a proposed settlement.
  • Manage Emotional Stressors: Learn to recognize and successfully respond to the emotional stressors in this major life transition.

Register for the March Second Saturday workshop here.

Divorce Divorcing Event
31 Oct

Happy Anniversary! Reflections on My First Five Years in Business

On International Conflict Resolution day in October, 2013, I launched Progressive Conflict Solutions.

And by launch, I mean I sent a pretty email to a few hundred of my friends. It showed off a simple website I built myself (it’s been replaced), a logo I lovingly crafted with a designer friend (I still love it), and my vision for providing conflict resolution services. That vision included the hope that clients would leave with “a greater sense of peace, focus, and competence, which [would] help them reach their personal and professional goals.”

Five years later, that’s still my vision. I hope I’ve delivered on it!

I’m grateful for the families, businesses, and organizations that have entrusted me with their challenging conflicts and wishes for better conflict skills. Our work together has resulted in smoother running businesses, mended friendships, newlyweds with clear and non-divisive pre-nups, and siblings at peace with their mutual decisions about caring for their elderly parents. But closest to my heart, are the families that have uncoupled with dignity, respect, and an eye toward a healthy future. I’m honored to have held space for all of you during difficult times, supported you in making informed decisions, and watched you find clarity and optimism about where you want to go and how to get there.

I look forward to the next five years of helping you navigate your bumps and find your path.

a22 Articles Bits Blog Blogs & Bits Communication Conflict conflict coaching Conflict Resolution Skills Divorce Divorcing
27 May

Honoring Emotions in Divorce Financial Negotiations

In April, 2018, I was a speaker in two presentations at the Make Divorce Healthier Symposium — “Coaching to Enhance the Healthy Divorce Process” and “Strategic and Smarter Property Settlement Agreements.” Here are my remarks about emotions and divorce financial negotiations from the session on property settlements.

My co-presenters Samantha Evian, James Graves, Ellen Morfei, Loretta Hutchinson covered the nitty gritty of what equitable distribution means in PA, legal and financial case studies, and financial forecasting. I kicked off the session with the mediator’s perspective and a call for sensitively incorporating the emotions of the spouses into the financial negotiations. This is the text I used to guide my presentation.

I can’t tell you how often new clients come to me and tell me “we just want to split everything down the middle.” Then I get to meet with each of them. I talk to them both privately. And I review their finances. And I learn that they have different goals, different emotions, different cash flow, different earning power. So, if so many things are different, why do they both THINK that they want the same settlement?

All of this reminds to me of a story…

Do you know the famous short story “The Gift of the Maji” by O. Henry? It’s about a young couple of modest means at Christmas time. Both wants to give a special gift to the other, but they have little money to do so. In short, he sells his beloved pocket watch to buy her an ornamental comb for her beautiful hair. She cuts and sells her hair to buy a chain for his pocket watch. Even with a happy couple who is very much in love, knowing only half the story can have tragic consequences.

In a divorce, this same issue of knowing the view only one side – their emotions, goals, interests, feelings, and positions – can yield similarly undesirable outcomes. As a mediator, I’m luck to got to hear from both spouses in a divorce. But once you know all this, how can you help craft an agreement that accommodates, to the extent possible, the interests of both sides?

As a mediator, it’s critical that I support both sides in reaching an agreement that works for each spouse. But, even amicable divorcing couples have divergent interest – along with shared interests like the well-being of their kids and each other.

Emotions can be honored in divorce financial negotiations

Courtesy pxhere.com

I’m going to leave it mostly to my colleagues to address some of the specific financial vagaries between divorcing spouses and how those might be addressed in property settlement negotiations. I’m also going to leave it to them to discuss the nexus between behavior and cognition and how it can undermine good decision-making.

What *I* want to do is pause and recognize some of the emotional issues that can influence the property settlement agreement. I think the typical perspective on emotions in property settlement negotiations is that emotions need to be managed and minimized – that decisions infused with emotions are bad decisions or inferior to decisions made “rationally.” I would never argue that emotions should be a primary driver in crafting a property settlement agreement, but a couple CAN reach a creative, effective and equitable agreement that honors the emotions of the parties.

And, although I don’t have data to support this, I have a keen sense of two things. One, is that when emotions are honored, parties are more satisfied with their agreement. (Note there is data to support greater satisfaction and compliance with mediated agreements.)  Second, that parties that feel better about their agreement and the process used to reach it are in a better position to enter their post-divorce life with a sense of hopefulness and self-efficacy.

Some examples of emotions or emotionally-loaded issues in divorce that can be effectively considered when crafting a property settlement agreement are:

  • Fear of change/uncertainty (will be discussed much more by my colleagues)
  • Fear of finances/financial illiteracy
  • Fear of possible destitution or other financial tragedies (“I don’t want to end up as a ‘bag lady’”)
  • Risk tolerance
  • Tolerance/attitude toward debt
  • “Symbolism” of debt in the marriage – how was it acquired
  • Other “symbols” in marriage – I never wanted the house, boat, Lexus, or to move near his mother
  • Desire to retire early
  • Desire to keep “my retirement” money
  • Concern for supporting the kids in college and into young adulthood, may include weddings
  • Desire to keep the house – often underpinned by the desire to minimize disruption for the kids

The emotions – in general or around specific issues – can be honored in the agreement How?

  • Riskier assets retained more or fully by one party
  • More of retirement held by one party
  • More cash flow (or liquid cash) held by one party
  • Creative financing or buyout structure for the family home
  • College or other designated funds created for the kids
  • Debt retained more or fully by one party
  • Specific debts retained by one party
  • Specific assets to one party – the boat, the Lexus

Having said all that, feelings should not be honored to the detriment of an equitable settlement or sound finances. We can get creative, but we can’t please everyone all the time. And, as I often say, I can help you figure out all sorts of ways to slice up your pie, but I can’t make your pie bigger. I’m a mediator, not a magician.

But with creativity and collaboration, one can guide clients to reach prudent financial agreements that honor their individual interests, their goals, AND their emotions.

a22 Divorce Divorcing Family Featured Mediation Professional Development
01 Nov

My Interview About Healthy Divorce

I often say the perfect is the enemy of the good. Well, I’m accepting imperfection and releasing my unedited interview from the Make Divorce Healthier Symposium 2016. View now to hear my impromptu thoughts on:

  • What  it means to have a healthy divorce
  • My personal connection to divorce and how it effects my profession
  • My bigger vision of healthy divorce
a22 Blog Blogs & Bits Co-Parenting Communication Divorce Divorcing Featured Mediation
27 Oct

We’re the TOPS! Ranked in the Top 18 Mediators Out of 300 in Philly

 

Did you know of over 300 arbitrators and mediators in the Philly area, I’m ranked one of the top 18? Yep!

Expertise.com looked at 318 arbitrators and mediators in the Philly metro area and evaluated us on reputation, credibility, building customer confidence with licensing, accreditations, and awards, experience, availability, and professionalism. I’m happy to be recognized.

a22 Articles Bits Blog Blogs & Bits conflict coaching Conflict Resolution Skills Divorce Divorcing Featured Mediation Professional Development
01 Oct

Mediation for Your Marriage

“A postnuptial or mediated agreement can help save a couple’s relationship — if that’s their goal.” CNN

I’ve been asked periodically to help mediate for married couples on issues like chores, aspects of communication, and how finances are managed. I always refused but was never sure why. I work with married couples to help them divorce, as well as with siblings, neighbors, business partners, and colleagues to resolve disputes and, hopefully, strengthen their connection and tools for more productive interactions. So why not married couples?

Not long ago, I was approached by a couple to help them with a prenup. I warned them that I’d not done them before. I knew their goals and that they had retained counsel. Much of their plan was effectively divorce planning. That was familiar territory, so I agreed to work with them. What surprised me was how much I loved helping this couple not just navigate “divorce planning” but aspects of how they would manage their relationship and strike that tricky balance between the interests of the individual and the couple – which can be at odds. It was a gratifying process for both me and the couple. I knew I wanted more of this work.

“Preparing a postnup may be a surprisingly cathartic experience for couples. It is an opportunity to analyze their assets, debt, and spending habits, and to look at the impact of financial stress on their emotional lives. Grievances can be aired and insecurities expressed.” Huffington Post

So, I’ve extended my practice to include marriage and pre-marriage mediation. It’s time to leverage my years of knowledge about ending marriages peacefully and strengthening other relationships to help existing love relationships – whether married or not. Pre-nups (or pre-marriage agreements) and post-nups (or agreements within marriages) are a great way to air concerns, address problems, reach agreements, and strengthen your bond.

I’m offering a limited time discount on pre-marital and marital mediation – 25% off mediation services through January 31, 2017. Get a free consultation.

“People also enter into a post nuptial agreement because their goals and priorities have shifted during the marriage. Issues such as child care, household chores, investment decisions, and the like are often made part of the post nuptial agreement, either in response to (or in anticipation of) conflicts and changes of attitude in these areas.” UnderstandEstatePlanning.com

a22 Articles Bits Blog Blogs & Bits Communication Conflict Conflict Resolution Skills Divorce Divorcing Family marital mediation Mediation post nuptial Prenuptial relationship mediation
01 Sep

A Stronger Us: Mediating A Prenuptial Agreement

wedding-443600_960_720I just sent the completed prenuptial memorandum of understanding to a happy couple about to marry at the end of this year.

Mediating prenuptial agreements is a challenging and gratifying experience. A well-negotiated agreement is mutually beneficially: protecting and enriching the financial and emotional well-being of the participants as individuals and as a couple.

I love helping the navigate this delicate territory – finding commonality, understanding difference, and leveraging the strengths and limitations of each participant for maximum benefit.

And it’s exciting to know that it might just help two people have a stronger relationship.

a22 Articles Bits Blog Blogs & Bits Conflict Divorce Divorcing Family Listening Mediation Prenuptial
14 Mar

Service to the Profession: Make Divorce Healthier Symposium, November 15, 2016

The future of divorce is now in session.

I’m thrilled to be one of the 100 change-makers who will gather to finally remove the shame, blame, and fear associated with divorce. I’m serving on the executive and marketing committees of this ground-breaking group and symposium to help shift the focus away of professional divorce practice from win-lose in divorce and toward preserving relationships and financial future.

Learn more.

Register.

a22 Blog Divorce Divorcing Event Post-Divorce Professional Development
26 Jan

What is Mediation? And is Divorce Mediation Right for Me? A Free Seminar

Join me and others beginning their divorce journey for this free and informative program on Monday, February 8th at 7:30 pm at my office in HeadRoom, 24 Veterans Square, Media, PA, 19063.

I’ll give a brief overview of mediation and divorce mediation and answer your questions about the process and whether it’s right for you. You’ll learn:

  • What mediation is (and isn’t)
  • The role of the mediator
  • Your role
  • Mediation cost vs litigation
  • The extra benefits of mediation for divorcing parents
  • How mediation can be combined with the services of an attorney
  • Whether mediation might be right for you
  • How to encourage your partner to mediate

Light refreshments will be served. Seats are limited and RSVP is required.

Articles Bits Blog Blogs & Bits Co-Parenting Communication Conflict Resolution Skills Divorce Divorcing Event Family Mediation Workshop
24 Dec

Transformation Tuesday: Providing Support on Your Divorce Journey

I’m pleased be a member of the terrific panel of local divorce experts for Transformation Tuesdays.

Transformation Tuesday is “a workshop for those who want to learn more about the divorce process. Our all-female panel of divorce specialists include divorce coaches, attorneys, CPAs, authors, and a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA™) who provide advice on every stage of divorce. Whether you are contemplating divorce, seeking guidance during your journey, or starting your new life post-divorce, we provide all the tools you need to transform into the life you deserve.”

Programs alternate between Conshohocken and Center City. Find upcoming program dates and RSVP here.

Articles Bits Blog Blogs & Bits Divorce Divorcing Family Mediation
Next Page →

Recent Posts

  • Professional Service: Elected to the Board of the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators

    Professional Service: Elected to the Board of the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators

  • Got Coronavirus Conflict?

    Got Coronavirus Conflict?

  • Workshop at the 2020 PA Council of Mediators Conference

    Workshop at the 2020 PA Council of Mediators Conference

  • Second Saturday Comes To Delco

    Second Saturday Comes To Delco

  • Clear the Air New Year’s Special

    Clear the Air New Year’s Special

What We Blog About

Alan Alda apology assumptions awards Boomerang Generation Building conflict competence caricature Change co-parenting comic Communication Conflict conflict coaching conflict competence conflict management conflict quotes conflict resolution Conflict Skills Conflict Styles continuing education continuing legal education courage custody Dean Rusk dialogue difference difference of opinion Divorce divorce mediation divorce myths divorcing Dorothy Thompson events families family feelings forgiveness Friendship healthy divorce holidays honors James Baldwin Jr. Judgement Lee Iococca Listening Louisa May Alcott Marshall Rosenberg Martin Luther King Mary Oliver Maya Angelou mediation mediation preparation mediators Memes Monday Memes negotiation Nelson Mandela New Years Resolutions Nonviolent Communication On Line Services Oprah Winfrey parenting party preparation Peace Pennsylvania Council of Mediators perspectives Persuasion plato Poems post-divorce presentation professional conflict professional development Programs property settlement Quotations Quotes recognition reconciliation Resolutions retaliation Robert Greenleaf Rumi search for truth super mediator Thich Nhat Hanh Thomas Paine truth work conflict workplace conflict workplace mediation workshop Workshops

Progressive Conflict Solutions
24 Veterans Square | Media, PA, 19063 (by appointment only)
Ellen@ progressiveconflictsolutions.com | 610-312-1463

Copyright © 2022 All Rights Reserved