In honor of my BIG birthday (no actual number to be mentioned – but you can infer), I’m offering a gift to YOU. Contact me about conflict coaching before the end of April, and you’ll get the first hour for 50% off. That’s a $80 value to help you prepare for a difficult conversation, understand and improve your conflict responses, or strategize about how to better communicate with that tough person.
I took the Secrets to Civil and Productive Dialogue workshop and highly recommend it. Ellen’s style for running the workshop helped me learn new skills and practice them with others. I left feeling more aware of my own communication style and emotional response, and open to listening to others. I’m more prepared for the difficult conversations that may come my way.
It’s a tough time for productive and civil dialogue. The recent elections have been divisive and often uncivil. But how to do you engage in civil dialogue when you are not in agreement? You can learn how! Join Secrets to Civil and Productive Dialogue, Saturday, May 20th, 9:30-4, 24 Veterans Square, Media, PA 19063 (look for the orange and black HeadRoom awning).
So, you ask, what does one learn in a workshop on dialogue? Well, in this one, you learn:
* A lot about listening
* A lot about effective questions usually coming from a place of curiosity
* An overview of what research has shown to change people’s minds and what does not change people’s minds
* An overview of cognitive bias
* What we can do to encourage people to listen to us
* Strategies to manage our internal challenges in dialogue (be it internal dialogues, biases, a choking lump in your throat, fear, a heart that beats so fast you don’t know how you can do it, developing courage, etc.)
* Regular practices that help built skills and capabilities
* And more
This workshop will build your dialogue skills using a combination of lecture, exercises, experiential activities, and take-away practices. The workshop is part of the Building Conflict Competence Series. The schedule includes a lunch break. Participants provide their own lunch. There are many dining options in easy walking distance.
Cost of the workshop is $60 per person or $100 for two people. Register today!
| Registration for Dialogue Workshop May 20, 2017 |
| Name and emails of attendees |
“A postnuptial or mediated agreement can help save a couple’s relationship — if that’s their goal.” CNN
I’ve been asked periodically to help mediate for married couples on issues like chores, aspects of communication, and how finances are managed. I always refused but was never sure why. I work with married couples to help them divorce, as well as with siblings, neighbors, business partners, and colleagues to resolve disputes and, hopefully, strengthen their connection and tools for more productive interactions. So why not married couples?
Not long ago, I was approached by a couple to help them with a prenup. I warned them that I’d not done them before. I knew their goals and that they had retained counsel. Much of their plan was effectively divorce planning. That was familiar territory, so I agreed to work with them. What surprised me was how much I loved helping this couple not just navigate “divorce planning” but aspects of how they would manage their relationship and strike that tricky balance between the interests of the individual and the couple – which can be at odds. It was a gratifying process for both me and the couple. I knew I wanted more of this work.
“Preparing a postnup may be a surprisingly cathartic experience for couples. It is an opportunity to analyze their assets, debt, and spending habits, and to look at the impact of financial stress on their emotional lives. Grievances can be aired and insecurities expressed.” Huffington Post
So, I’ve extended my practice to include marriage and pre-marriage mediation. It’s time to leverage my years of knowledge about ending marriages peacefully and strengthening other relationships to help existing love relationships – whether married or not. Pre-nups (or pre-marriage agreements) and post-nups (or agreements within marriages) are a great way to air concerns, address problems, reach agreements, and strengthen your bond.
I’m offering a limited time discount on pre-marital and marital mediation – 25% off mediation services through January 31, 2017. Get a free consultation.
“People also enter into a post nuptial agreement because their goals and priorities have shifted during the marriage. Issues such as child care, household chores, investment decisions, and the like are often made part of the post nuptial agreement, either in response to (or in anticipation of) conflicts and changes of attitude in these areas.” UnderstandEstatePlanning.com
I’m always writing about the importance of listening (like here and here) and like to share inspiring quotes about it. Now is your chance to build your listening skills at an incredibly affordable price. I’m teaching a two-evening workshop for the Wallingford Swarthmore Community Classes program. Classes are Monday, October 10th and 17th, 7-9 pm. Each night can be taken as a standalone, but registration is only available for the whole program. I hope you will join us.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. But which words? The viewer is the author and gets to choose those words. And every day, we are creators of the stories we tell ourselves about the pictures we see. The stories you tell influence how you interact with the world – and even the story you tell about yourself.
A few years ago, this picture went viral on social media. I immediately started using it in my conflict resolution workshops. Why? Well, many (maybe most!) conflicts are underpinned with assumptions and we all make a lot of incorrect or at least unhelpful assumptions. If I had my druthers, we would refrain far more from assuming and instead explore and inquire to find out more information. But that’s not always an option. Sometimes we just have to deduce the story ourselves. But what would happen if we crafted a better story? A more positive story?
When most people see this picture of students in front of Rembrandt’s The Nightwatch at the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, they see kids choosing to look at their phones instead of a masterpiece. The story they write is accompanied by admonitions like “Kids these days!”, “Smartphones are a terrible distraction” and similar sentiments. But that’s not the story we have to tell (and it’s also not the real story). We can choose to tell a more positive story: “The kids are using a museum tool to better understand the painting” or “They’re designing an app to increase art appreciation.”
The stories we tell ourselves about others influence us, them, and our relationships. A positive outlook can make you more resistant to pain, lower your cholesterol, and increase your longevity. It also helps you build skills to improve your personal relationships and workplace success and satisfaction. (Read more here and here and here too.) Positive story-telling is a key part of having or developing an overall sense of positivity and is a critical skill in improving your conflict management skills.
As with all conflict management skills, I encourage my workshop participants to practice using these skills before they are in a conflict. Positive story-telling is actually a fun skill to practice. There’s a scene in the comic movie Date Night where the married characters played by Tine Fey and Steve Carell amuse themselves by playing a game they call What’s Their Story in which they craft tales about other restaurant diners. (It’s pretty funny, but also pretty adult, so I’ll let you Google it yourself.) Try a twist on their game and challenge yourself to tell only positive stories about the people you observe around you. Next time you are out with time to kill, don’t grab your smartphone for a distraction. Look at the people around you and craft positive stories about them. Or better yet, engage your partner or kids in doing it with you! You’ll get a good laugh, but you’ll also train yourself to think more positively about other people.
Getting good at that? Try it for the people you know when they behave in ways that don’t make immediate sense to you. In the process, you will find that you have fewer unnecessary conflicts and also improve your ability to resolve the needed ones.
Happy storytelling!
Join me and others beginning their divorce journey for this free and informative program on Monday, February 8th at 7:30 pm at my office in HeadRoom, 24 Veterans Square, Media, PA, 19063.
I’ll give a brief overview of mediation and divorce mediation and answer your questions about the process and whether it’s right for you. You’ll learn:
Light refreshments will be served. Seats are limited and RSVP is required.
If speaking is silver, then listening is gold. — Turkish Proverb
The year’s end is a natural time for reflection. I enjoy looking back at the past year – appreciating the successes and joys, considering what I’d like to do differently. I make resolutions most years. Sometimes they include typical themes like weight loss, but usually there are a few concrete goals to guide me through the year. A few years ago, I began recording these in a journal along with a few other notes and inspirations that speak to important and thought-provoking experiences like attending a retreat or processing a heartbreak. Yearly re-reading inspires new reflections and goals.
I chuckled while recently revisiting one of my past resolution themes: Listen. Listen. Listen. Yes, it was there three times. It was almost as though I was shaking myself to get my attention – shouting even. As a mediator, I listen professionally and I realize its importance, but it’s much harder for me to do in daily life. You can probably relate. But listening is a cornerstone for broad, long term goals like having rich and loving personal relationships and a strong and effective professional referral network.
Effective listening – NOT the same as hearing – is a critical life skill that can be learned. To learn it well, you must PRACTICE. Perhaps improving your listening should be one of your new year’s resolutions. It’s a great pick because it improves all aspects of your life, while also benefiting those around you. Madelyn Burley-Allen, author of Listening: The Forgotten Skill, writes that when we listen deeply, we:
If you’d like some guidance and practice in developing your listening skills, stay tuned for our winter 2016 Listening Skills workshop. Listening is at the heart of a healthy approach to minimizing conflicts and resolving them productively.
As I write, the sun is setting to mark the end of the Jewish high holiday of Rosh Hashanah. Prominent themes of the holiday include reflection, asking for forgiveness and making amends. Regardless of your belief system, these are healthy and often cathartic exercises. But how does one properly ask for forgiveness? The cornerstone is apology.
An effective apology is more than just saying “I’m sorry.” Here are some steps to a successful apology.
1) Mean It. An apology must be sincere to be truly effective. To mean it, you’ll need some time to reflect on what happened. You must come to understand what you did wrong in the situation and how it affected the other person.
2) Own It. You need to take responsibility for your error and the ramifications, and you need to name them specifically in your apology. “I’m sorry I was late with my part of the project. I understand that makes you rush with your work.”
3) Don’t Dilute It. Never add “if” or “but” to your apology. Never point the finger at the other person’s feelings. “I’m sorry if my actions hurt your feelings” is not a strong and effective apology.
4) Correct It. You must make amends for your error. “I’m sorry I was late for the movie and caused us to have lousy seats. I’d like to take you to the theater this Saturday and make sure we get there in plenty of time.” Apologizing and then repeating the behavior undermines the apology and can undermine your credibility for future apologies.
5) Keep It Simple. This is not the time to rehash everything that happened or otherwise explain yourself. Just state what you did wrong, the ramifications, and how you will correct it.
6) Practice It. Whether you write it down, role play with a friend, or just have an imaginary conversation in your head (yes, we all do that), you need to be prepared. This apology is important. Take the time to be prepared.
7) Stick It Out. Having your apology practiced will help you stick to your simple message, even if the person to whom you are apologizing reacts with anger, sadness, or frustration. You are apologizing because you know that you have injured this person. It’s quite possible that talking about that injury, even in the context of an apology, can be uncomfortable for both of you. Be ready to stick it out if you get dished some heat.
8) Wait It Out. Just because you are ready to apologize, doesn’t mean that he’s ready to forgive. It’s reasonable to ask for forgiveness when you apologize, but it may take the other person some time before she can forgive you. She may never forgive you. Even if she doesn’t, making a sincere apology is an important part of forgiving yourself. A well-considered, genuine, and well-constructed apology is much more likely to lead to forgiveness – even if it takes a while.
So, take a little time to reflect and consider if you have hurt or offended anyone lately. Maybe it’s time to apologize.
“One in five people in their 20s and early 30s is currently living with his or her parents. And 60 percent of all young adults receive financial support from them. That’s a significant increase from a generation ago, when only one in 10 young adults moved back home and few received financial support.” (It’s Official: The Boomerang Kids Won’t Leave, New York Times Magazine, June 20, 2014.)
image courtesy personalcapital.com
It’s hard on both parents and adult child when the child moves back home, whether for just the summer or a longer stretch of time. Close quarters are exacerbated by unclear and changing roles, mixed emotions, and challenging economics. All generations are invited to join this workshop to better understand the common emotional and economic factors that underpin these inter-generational conflicts and to develop skills and strategies to see each others’ perspectives and interests and increase peace and well-being.
