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24 Dec

Clear the Air New Year’s Special

You know you that conversation that you’ve been avoiding? Maybe it’s with a family member. Maybe it’s a friend. Or your boss. You’re dreading the conversation, but you know it needs to happen. Rather than letting the problem continue to fester and nag at you, why don’t you plan to tackle it this new year. Try conflict coaching to get ready.

If you schedule and pay for your coaching session by January 20, 2019, you can get 100 minutes of conflict coaching for only $100. This offer is limited to the first 10 people, so don’t delay. That conversation is a key to your fresh start in the new year. Be ready for it!

Contact us to schedule your Clear the Air coaching session.

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16 Nov

Dealing with Family Conflict During the Holidays

Holidays are a stressful time for many and this year the tensions are heightened. It’s been a contentious year and the thought of facing the usually boisterous Uncle Fred may be working you into a lather like never before. These strategies can help. (Adapted from article by Alexandria Skinner, December 2012)

CHANGE YOUR OWN THINKING

Lower your expectations

Forget Norman Rockwell and Mayberry RFD. Every family has its issues. There’s a reason you don’t all live in the same house! Don’t expect more from family gatherings than reality can deliver.

Assess the stage of the conflict and respond appropriately

Conflict ranges in intensity to mild curiosity over differences, to heated disagreement, to warfare that requires intervention by law enforcement. Adjust strategy to the stage of conflict.

  • At mildest levels, keep an open mind. Listen to what the other party is saying. Ask open-ended questions to aid listening and communication. Don’t be afraid of lively conversation, so long as no one is getting their feelings hurt!
  • At moderate levels, the jokes are not funny and there is pointed disagreement. Use diversion, separation, and deliberate use of third parties to inject some distraction and relief. Change the subject of conversation. If those don’t work, you can always just say that you’re not willing to engage in that topic.
  • At severe levels pay attention to personal safety and mental health. Do not engage or retaliate, but do remove yourself from an unhealthy or unsafe situation. Alcohol can increase the potential for violence. Do not imbibe excessively, and watch out for those who do. Stay with others as there’s some safety in numbers.

2016-11-14-ram-dass-on-family-conflict

APPLY PRINCIPLES FROM INTEREST BASED NEGOTIATION

Separate people from the problem

Before responding to any outlandish comment, take a moment to breathe deeply. Hit the “pause” button! After a bit, you may feel that the world will not come to an end if you do not respond. When expressing disagreement, do it in ways that do not attack the person. Do this by using “I” statements. For instance, instead of saying, “That is a stupid idea,” (which attacks the person by calling them stupid), say, “I’m having trouble seeing how that idea is feasible, could you explain how it’s possible for a train engine to fly?” (Does not express your judgment, but invites the other person to explore the basis for their own beliefs further.) Change the topic of conversation. Assign a task to the problem person. Take charge of seating! Make place cards and literally put enemies at opposite ends of the table.

Focus on interests, not positions

John Doe has just made some outrageous statement. Rather than take it at face value that the moon is made from cheese, try to understand the motives, fears and needs that underlie his statement. Only if you are willing to listen and deepen your relationship, try the use of open-ended questions that deepen the conversation. Examples: “this sounds like it upsets you very much.” Or “tell me more about that.” Then listen for underlying needs and affirm your concern for those needs. Listening without judging or interrupting is an art that is too often neglected in our society. It may surprise you when the real issue or basis for the belief is totally different from the way that concern was expressed at first.

Invent options for mutual gain

It is perfectly acceptable to agree to disagree. This enables both of you to enjoy the non-adversarial aspects of your relationship. Talk about the weather and about the Philadelphia Eagles. Suppose one person believes in Obamacare and another wants it repealed. See if you can both agree that you both want people to be healthy. Then, leave it at that. Another tip is to team up ahead of time with a buddy and mutually agree to “rescue” each other if one of you gets cornered. Even choose a secret signal to call for help. Make sure people have different spaces in which to congregate or to get away from each other. Provide escape routes both physically and with activities or crafts that provide a diversion. If you see someone being overwhelmed by a challenging family member, rescue them by asking them to help with something. Create activities with which to engage the challenging family member. (“Will you please carve the ham?”) Taking a guest can sometimes cause family keep their company manners, and also provide a welcome diversion.

Insist on objective criteria

Don’t sweat the small stuff! The objective truth is that you only have to put up with your crazy relative for one day. Remind yourself of that! Take deep breaths and relax. Focus on something else rather than the conflict. (“My, isn’t this wonderful apple pie!”) At lower levels of conflict or disagreement, it’s okay to ask for a person to clarify their statements by asking open-ended questions which get to the root of the person’s belief: “I’ve never heard that. What source did you use to find that fact?” If conversation is friendly, deeper questions can help to clarify misconceptions.

Know and exercise your BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement), if needed

In negotiation, it is important for a party to balance what they are offered in negotiation against what they would get through non-negotiated solutions. If the non-negotiated solution would be better than the negotiated, that is the point at which you exercise your BATNA. In family relationships, the equivalent of knowing your BATNA may be to consider and decide what level of engagement with your family is going to make you feel the most peaceful and happy in the long run. Then, draw limits (or choose what limits to draw) and place conditions on the visit. If the visit becomes unpleasant, the alternative is to find an excuse to leave.

Holidays are also a time that can lead to domestic violence. Statistically, one woman in four will be a victim of domestic violence at some time in her life. One in three female homicide victims is killed at the hands of her partner. Threats of violence, especially accompanied by a weapon, must be taken very seriously. Contrary to what we might wish, holidays are a time of increased violence. If this is a situation that might apply to you, develop a personal safety plan which would cover how you would escape, where to, what you would take, and you could call for help.

BE A HEALER AND OPEN TO HEALING

Where there is a gap to be bridged, choose to make the first move toward forgiveness or understanding. When possible, give the benefit of the doubt. Be willing to acknowledge mistakes from the past and ask forgiveness (when appropriate). If the person retaliates, do not respond in kind. But also, take care of yourself. Sometimes, the most healing thing to do is to walk away. If necessary, give yourself permission to take care of yourself, by staying away or leaving early.

Need a little more help with conflict? Consider mediation or coaching with us.

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31 Oct

Happy Anniversary! Reflections on My First Five Years in Business

On International Conflict Resolution day in October, 2013, I launched Progressive Conflict Solutions.

And by launch, I mean I sent a pretty email to a few hundred of my friends. It showed off a simple website I built myself (it’s been replaced), a logo I lovingly crafted with a designer friend (I still love it), and my vision for providing conflict resolution services. That vision included the hope that clients would leave with “a greater sense of peace, focus, and competence, which [would] help them reach their personal and professional goals.”

Five years later, that’s still my vision. I hope I’ve delivered on it!

I’m grateful for the families, businesses, and organizations that have entrusted me with their challenging conflicts and wishes for better conflict skills. Our work together has resulted in smoother running businesses, mended friendships, newlyweds with clear and non-divisive pre-nups, and siblings at peace with their mutual decisions about caring for their elderly parents. But closest to my heart, are the families that have uncoupled with dignity, respect, and an eye toward a healthy future. I’m honored to have held space for all of you during difficult times, supported you in making informed decisions, and watched you find clarity and optimism about where you want to go and how to get there.

I look forward to the next five years of helping you navigate your bumps and find your path.

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22 Feb

Two Conflict Competence Workshops Offered This Spring

I’m offering two full day workshops from the Building Conflict Competence series this spring with one big change: both workshops will be offered on a pay-what-you-can basis. Previous workshops have been (affordably) priced at $60 each or two for $100, but now you can decide what payment works for you. Past attendees will tell you that the lessons in each workshop are invaluable in all parts of their lives. I hope you will consider joining me.

REAL TALK WITHOUT BURNING BRIDGES, Saturday, March 10, 9:30-4

LISTENING: A SKILL-BUILDING WORKSHOP, Saturday, April 28, 9:30-4

Both workshops employ a combination of lecture, exercises, experiential activities, and take-away practices and are part of the Building Conflict Competence Series. The schedule includes a lunch break. Participants provide their own lunch. There are many dining options in easy walking distance. REGISTER

Location: 24 Veterans Square, Media, PA 19063 (look for the orange and black HeadRoom awning). The space is located on the second floor and access is by steps only.

REAL TALK WITHOUT BURNING BRIDGES

It’s a tough time for real talk. Our political climate is divisive and often uncivil and it’s bleeding into all parts of our lives. So, how to do you engage in civil dialogue and real talk when you are not in agreement? You can learn how and apply it at work, home, social settings, or any where else and do it without burning bridges. What does one learn in a workshop on dialogue? Well, in this one, you learn:
  • A lot about listening
  • A lot about effective questions usually coming from a place of curiosity
  • An overview of what research has shown to change people’s minds and what does not change people’s minds
  • An overview of cognitive bias
  • What we can do to encourage people to listen to us
  • Strategies to manage our internal challenges in dialogue (be it internal dialogues, biases, a choking lump in your throat, fear, a heart that beats so fast you don’t know how you can do it, developing courage, etc.)
  • Regular practices that help built skills and capabilities
  • And more   (NOTE: This workshop was previously titled Secrets to Civil and Productive Dialogue.)

LISTENING: A SKILL-BUILDING WORKSHOP

I’m always writing about the importance of listening (like here and here) and like to share inspiring quotes about it. Now is your chance to build your listening skills in a fun and engaging one day workshop. We’ll build your listening skills for improved performance at work and to strengthen your personal relationships.

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03 Nov

Do You Need a Cohabitation Agreement?

In the US, we often think of cohabitation as something done by young couples on the path to marriage. But the demographics on co-habitation is more complex than this. So are the things a couple should discuss when deciding how to cohabitate.

Changing Demographics

According to the US Census, cohabitation is up by 29% in the last decade. More striking is that the number of cohabiting people over 50 has increased 75% in the same time, per a study by the Pew Research Center. That’s a lot of cohabitation. (Read more about cohabitation over 50.)

Lots of Issues to Consider

One reason couples opt out of marriage because of the complex cluster of rules, laws, and expectations around the institution. Cohabitating couples still have laws to consider, but they mostly make up their own rules. Decisions about how to share living quarters, how to interact with family, how and when to make decisions, how to manage finances, and long-range planning are all critical and sensitive topics. But those topics need to be tackled clearly and with sensitivity.

Mediation can be an ideal forum to have those important and sensitive discussions. It provides a neutral and supported environment to raise issues, iron out differences, and come up with creative and balanced solutions that fit your unique relationship.

Contact me to talk about mediation for cohabitation.

 

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27 Oct

Teaching PA’s Judges About Mediation

I’m pleased to be teaching PA judges about alternative dispute resolution. Retired Judge Stephanie Klein and I will be co-teaching in the Minor Judiciary Education Board Continuing Education Program over 14 weeks from September through May. All of the Commonwealth’s Magisterial District Judges attend these week-long training sessions where they are instructed on a wide variety of issues. We’ve been introducing mediation and arbitration, discussing mandatory mediation and arbitration clauses in contracts, and illustrating the benefits of mediation for conflicts when the relationship between the disputants matter.  It’s an honor to be able to share the important message of ADR with such an influential audience.

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27 Oct

We’re the TOPS! Ranked in the Top 18 Mediators Out of 300 in Philly

 

Did you know of over 300 arbitrators and mediators in the Philly area, I’m ranked one of the top 18? Yep!

Expertise.com looked at 318 arbitrators and mediators in the Philly metro area and evaluated us on reputation, credibility, building customer confidence with licensing, accreditations, and awards, experience, availability, and professionalism. I’m happy to be recognized.

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30 Dec

All Are Welcome Here: Serving with Love and Acceptance Since Day One

I’m proud to have long served diverse families and organizations. Today, I’ve signed on with the “All Are Welcome Here” anti-hate pledge.

“The member businesses of the Main Street Alliance and our fellow small business owners throughout the country are deeply disturbed by hateful rhetoric and violence aimed at our Muslim and Arab community members, at refugees fleeing violence, at immigrants, at women and at people of color in our communities. This swell of hate and fear permeating our national dialogue both during and after the most recent election is dangerous. We believe it must be met head-on with clear statements of principle from local business owners because we are leaders in our communities.

America must be a place where people from all nations, races, genders, and creeds seeking freedom and opportunity feel welcome and can build safe, prosperous lives for themselves and their families. When politicians and pundits target people in our communities for political gain, when they fan the flames of hatred and fear, when they attack our neighbors, friends, family members, fellow business owners, employees, and customers, we must stand up and make our voices and our values heard loud and clear:

We stand with our Muslim community members and we stand with refugees and immigrants in our community. We respect women and we value Black lives. We welcome everyone. There is no place for hate in our businesses, our homes, or in our country.”

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01 Oct

Mediation for Your Marriage

“A postnuptial or mediated agreement can help save a couple’s relationship — if that’s their goal.” CNN

I’ve been asked periodically to help mediate for married couples on issues like chores, aspects of communication, and how finances are managed. I always refused but was never sure why. I work with married couples to help them divorce, as well as with siblings, neighbors, business partners, and colleagues to resolve disputes and, hopefully, strengthen their connection and tools for more productive interactions. So why not married couples?

Not long ago, I was approached by a couple to help them with a prenup. I warned them that I’d not done them before. I knew their goals and that they had retained counsel. Much of their plan was effectively divorce planning. That was familiar territory, so I agreed to work with them. What surprised me was how much I loved helping this couple not just navigate “divorce planning” but aspects of how they would manage their relationship and strike that tricky balance between the interests of the individual and the couple – which can be at odds. It was a gratifying process for both me and the couple. I knew I wanted more of this work.

“Preparing a postnup may be a surprisingly cathartic experience for couples. It is an opportunity to analyze their assets, debt, and spending habits, and to look at the impact of financial stress on their emotional lives. Grievances can be aired and insecurities expressed.” Huffington Post

So, I’ve extended my practice to include marriage and pre-marriage mediation. It’s time to leverage my years of knowledge about ending marriages peacefully and strengthening other relationships to help existing love relationships – whether married or not. Pre-nups (or pre-marriage agreements) and post-nups (or agreements within marriages) are a great way to air concerns, address problems, reach agreements, and strengthen your bond.

I’m offering a limited time discount on pre-marital and marital mediation – 25% off mediation services through January 31, 2017. Get a free consultation.

“People also enter into a post nuptial agreement because their goals and priorities have shifted during the marriage. Issues such as child care, household chores, investment decisions, and the like are often made part of the post nuptial agreement, either in response to (or in anticipation of) conflicts and changes of attitude in these areas.” UnderstandEstatePlanning.com

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01 Oct

It’s Back! Listening Skills Workshop, October 10th and 17th

I’m always writing about the importance of listening (like here and here) and like to share inspiring quotes about it. Now is your chance to build your listening skills at an incredibly affordable price. I’m teaching a two-evening workshop for the Wallingford Swarthmore Community Classes program.  Classes are Monday, October 10th and 17th, 7-9 pm. Each night can be taken as a standalone, but registration is only available for the whole program. I hope you will join us.

2015-07-27-iococca 2015-08-03-tyger 2015-12-21-mayo-on-listening

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Ellen@ progressiveconflictsolutions.com | 610-312-1463

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