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04 Mar

Second Saturday Comes To Delco

March 9 marks the first time this venerable divorce workshop will be held in Delaware County. This workshop is for you if:

  • You are contemplating divorce
  • You are in the process of getting divorced
  • You’ve already filed for divorce and are overwhelmed by the process
  • You’re not sure what to do next.

Guided by compassionate family lawyers, financial and counseling professionals, otherwise complex issues will be condensed and simplified so that you can develop a plan to make informed decisions. You will leave with more confidence, greater clarity and prepare to make decisions for those critical next steps.

  • Understand the Divorce Process & Legal Issues: Understand the legal process, how support and custody are determined for you and your children and how marital property is divided.
  • Gain Financial Control of Your Divorce: Identify assets and liabilities, evaluate tax implications and understand the near-term and future financial impact of a proposed settlement.
  • Manage Emotional Stressors: Learn to recognize and successfully respond to the emotional stressors in this major life transition.

Register for the March Second Saturday workshop here.

Divorce Divorcing Event
17 Mar

Got Coronavirus Conflict?

This is a stressful, fast-changing time. There are a lot of hard decisions to be made under very challenging circumstances. Conflict is inevitable. As a result, we are offering on-line mediation at a reduced price for conflicts and decision-making challenges related to the coronavirus/covid-19 pandemic.

What’s the deal? Mediation is available via Zoom video conferencing to co-parents, businesses, family members, neighbors or anyone is having conflict caused by or related to the pandemic.

What’s the cost? The cost is $100 per hour (nearly 40% below the normal rate).

What can we mediate? Any issue related to or triggered by the pandemic and it’s prevention. For example: business partners disagreeing on what hours to operate or how to support staff; co-parents considering adjusting their custody schedule to accommodate school closings, working at home and/or illness prevention.

What conflict is not eligible? On-going conflict that was present prior to and/or unrelated to the pandemic can be mediated at the usual hourly rate.

Request a consultation about your situation.

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17 Mar

Workshop at the 2020 PA Council of Mediators Conference

Note: When this conference was canceled due to the coronavirus pandemic, I was invited to convert my content to webinar format and offer it as the Pennsylvania Council of Mediator’s inaugural webinar. The program was co-hosted by PCM and the Chester County Bar Association. The recording is available through the Bar Association.

I’m pleased to have been selected to deliver workshop again at the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators Annual Conference, May 1-2 in Harrisburg. The workshops is entitled ” What is Tone Policing and Why Every Conflict Resolution Professional Needs to Understand It.”

Tone policing is a popular term used to describe the silencing of a party in a conflict because they are expressing strong emotions. Dig a little further and you find complex dynamics at play: class, race, gender, ableism and other power dynamics as well as messages about what feelings are acceptable and how, or even if, we can show them. This workshop will dive into the details and nuances of: tone policing, how our personal demographics might sway our perceptions of tone policing and whether we might be tone policing, how to differentiate between tone policing and healthy boundaries, and how we as conflict resolution professionals can help address these sensitive and contentious concerns.

Conflict Conflict Resolution Skills Event Event List Professional Development Uncategorized Workshop
24 Dec

Clear the Air New Year’s Special

You know you that conversation that you’ve been avoiding? Maybe it’s with a family member. Maybe it’s a friend. Or your boss. You’re dreading the conversation, but you know it needs to happen. Rather than letting the problem continue to fester and nag at you, why don’t you plan to tackle it this new year. Try conflict coaching to get ready.

If you schedule and pay for your coaching session by January 20, 2019, you can get 100 minutes of conflict coaching for only $100. This offer is limited to the first 10 people, so don’t delay. That conversation is a key to your fresh start in the new year. Be ready for it!

Contact us to schedule your Clear the Air coaching session.

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16 Nov

Dealing with Family Conflict During the Holidays

Holidays are a stressful time for many and this year the tensions are heightened. It’s been a contentious year and the thought of facing the usually boisterous Uncle Fred may be working you into a lather like never before. These strategies can help. (Adapted from article by Alexandria Skinner, December 2012)

CHANGE YOUR OWN THINKING

Lower your expectations

Forget Norman Rockwell and Mayberry RFD. Every family has its issues. There’s a reason you don’t all live in the same house! Don’t expect more from family gatherings than reality can deliver.

Assess the stage of the conflict and respond appropriately

Conflict ranges in intensity to mild curiosity over differences, to heated disagreement, to warfare that requires intervention by law enforcement. Adjust strategy to the stage of conflict.

  • At mildest levels, keep an open mind. Listen to what the other party is saying. Ask open-ended questions to aid listening and communication. Don’t be afraid of lively conversation, so long as no one is getting their feelings hurt!
  • At moderate levels, the jokes are not funny and there is pointed disagreement. Use diversion, separation, and deliberate use of third parties to inject some distraction and relief. Change the subject of conversation. If those don’t work, you can always just say that you’re not willing to engage in that topic.
  • At severe levels pay attention to personal safety and mental health. Do not engage or retaliate, but do remove yourself from an unhealthy or unsafe situation. Alcohol can increase the potential for violence. Do not imbibe excessively, and watch out for those who do. Stay with others as there’s some safety in numbers.

2016-11-14-ram-dass-on-family-conflict

APPLY PRINCIPLES FROM INTEREST BASED NEGOTIATION

Separate people from the problem

Before responding to any outlandish comment, take a moment to breathe deeply. Hit the “pause” button! After a bit, you may feel that the world will not come to an end if you do not respond. When expressing disagreement, do it in ways that do not attack the person. Do this by using “I” statements. For instance, instead of saying, “That is a stupid idea,” (which attacks the person by calling them stupid), say, “I’m having trouble seeing how that idea is feasible, could you explain how it’s possible for a train engine to fly?” (Does not express your judgment, but invites the other person to explore the basis for their own beliefs further.) Change the topic of conversation. Assign a task to the problem person. Take charge of seating! Make place cards and literally put enemies at opposite ends of the table.

Focus on interests, not positions

John Doe has just made some outrageous statement. Rather than take it at face value that the moon is made from cheese, try to understand the motives, fears and needs that underlie his statement. Only if you are willing to listen and deepen your relationship, try the use of open-ended questions that deepen the conversation. Examples: “this sounds like it upsets you very much.” Or “tell me more about that.” Then listen for underlying needs and affirm your concern for those needs. Listening without judging or interrupting is an art that is too often neglected in our society. It may surprise you when the real issue or basis for the belief is totally different from the way that concern was expressed at first.

Invent options for mutual gain

It is perfectly acceptable to agree to disagree. This enables both of you to enjoy the non-adversarial aspects of your relationship. Talk about the weather and about the Philadelphia Eagles. Suppose one person believes in Obamacare and another wants it repealed. See if you can both agree that you both want people to be healthy. Then, leave it at that. Another tip is to team up ahead of time with a buddy and mutually agree to “rescue” each other if one of you gets cornered. Even choose a secret signal to call for help. Make sure people have different spaces in which to congregate or to get away from each other. Provide escape routes both physically and with activities or crafts that provide a diversion. If you see someone being overwhelmed by a challenging family member, rescue them by asking them to help with something. Create activities with which to engage the challenging family member. (“Will you please carve the ham?”) Taking a guest can sometimes cause family keep their company manners, and also provide a welcome diversion.

Insist on objective criteria

Don’t sweat the small stuff! The objective truth is that you only have to put up with your crazy relative for one day. Remind yourself of that! Take deep breaths and relax. Focus on something else rather than the conflict. (“My, isn’t this wonderful apple pie!”) At lower levels of conflict or disagreement, it’s okay to ask for a person to clarify their statements by asking open-ended questions which get to the root of the person’s belief: “I’ve never heard that. What source did you use to find that fact?” If conversation is friendly, deeper questions can help to clarify misconceptions.

Know and exercise your BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement), if needed

In negotiation, it is important for a party to balance what they are offered in negotiation against what they would get through non-negotiated solutions. If the non-negotiated solution would be better than the negotiated, that is the point at which you exercise your BATNA. In family relationships, the equivalent of knowing your BATNA may be to consider and decide what level of engagement with your family is going to make you feel the most peaceful and happy in the long run. Then, draw limits (or choose what limits to draw) and place conditions on the visit. If the visit becomes unpleasant, the alternative is to find an excuse to leave.

Holidays are also a time that can lead to domestic violence. Statistically, one woman in four will be a victim of domestic violence at some time in her life. One in three female homicide victims is killed at the hands of her partner. Threats of violence, especially accompanied by a weapon, must be taken very seriously. Contrary to what we might wish, holidays are a time of increased violence. If this is a situation that might apply to you, develop a personal safety plan which would cover how you would escape, where to, what you would take, and you could call for help.

BE A HEALER AND OPEN TO HEALING

Where there is a gap to be bridged, choose to make the first move toward forgiveness or understanding. When possible, give the benefit of the doubt. Be willing to acknowledge mistakes from the past and ask forgiveness (when appropriate). If the person retaliates, do not respond in kind. But also, take care of yourself. Sometimes, the most healing thing to do is to walk away. If necessary, give yourself permission to take care of yourself, by staying away or leaving early.

Need a little more help with conflict? Consider mediation or coaching with us.

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31 Oct

Happy Anniversary! Reflections on My First Five Years in Business

On International Conflict Resolution day in October, 2013, I launched Progressive Conflict Solutions.

And by launch, I mean I sent a pretty email to a few hundred of my friends. It showed off a simple website I built myself (it’s been replaced), a logo I lovingly crafted with a designer friend (I still love it), and my vision for providing conflict resolution services. That vision included the hope that clients would leave with “a greater sense of peace, focus, and competence, which [would] help them reach their personal and professional goals.”

Five years later, that’s still my vision. I hope I’ve delivered on it!

I’m grateful for the families, businesses, and organizations that have entrusted me with their challenging conflicts and wishes for better conflict skills. Our work together has resulted in smoother running businesses, mended friendships, newlyweds with clear and non-divisive pre-nups, and siblings at peace with their mutual decisions about caring for their elderly parents. But closest to my heart, are the families that have uncoupled with dignity, respect, and an eye toward a healthy future. I’m honored to have held space for all of you during difficult times, supported you in making informed decisions, and watched you find clarity and optimism about where you want to go and how to get there.

I look forward to the next five years of helping you navigate your bumps and find your path.

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27 May

Honoring Emotions in Divorce Financial Negotiations

In April, 2018, I was a speaker in two presentations at the Make Divorce Healthier Symposium — “Coaching to Enhance the Healthy Divorce Process” and “Strategic and Smarter Property Settlement Agreements.” Here are my remarks about emotions and divorce financial negotiations from the session on property settlements.

My co-presenters Samantha Evian, James Graves, Ellen Morfei, Loretta Hutchinson covered the nitty gritty of what equitable distribution means in PA, legal and financial case studies, and financial forecasting. I kicked off the session with the mediator’s perspective and a call for sensitively incorporating the emotions of the spouses into the financial negotiations. This is the text I used to guide my presentation.

I can’t tell you how often new clients come to me and tell me “we just want to split everything down the middle.” Then I get to meet with each of them. I talk to them both privately. And I review their finances. And I learn that they have different goals, different emotions, different cash flow, different earning power. So, if so many things are different, why do they both THINK that they want the same settlement?

All of this reminds to me of a story…

Do you know the famous short story “The Gift of the Maji” by O. Henry? It’s about a young couple of modest means at Christmas time. Both wants to give a special gift to the other, but they have little money to do so. In short, he sells his beloved pocket watch to buy her an ornamental comb for her beautiful hair. She cuts and sells her hair to buy a chain for his pocket watch. Even with a happy couple who is very much in love, knowing only half the story can have tragic consequences.

In a divorce, this same issue of knowing the view only one side – their emotions, goals, interests, feelings, and positions – can yield similarly undesirable outcomes. As a mediator, I’m luck to got to hear from both spouses in a divorce. But once you know all this, how can you help craft an agreement that accommodates, to the extent possible, the interests of both sides?

As a mediator, it’s critical that I support both sides in reaching an agreement that works for each spouse. But, even amicable divorcing couples have divergent interest – along with shared interests like the well-being of their kids and each other.

Emotions can be honored in divorce financial negotiations

Courtesy pxhere.com

I’m going to leave it mostly to my colleagues to address some of the specific financial vagaries between divorcing spouses and how those might be addressed in property settlement negotiations. I’m also going to leave it to them to discuss the nexus between behavior and cognition and how it can undermine good decision-making.

What *I* want to do is pause and recognize some of the emotional issues that can influence the property settlement agreement. I think the typical perspective on emotions in property settlement negotiations is that emotions need to be managed and minimized – that decisions infused with emotions are bad decisions or inferior to decisions made “rationally.” I would never argue that emotions should be a primary driver in crafting a property settlement agreement, but a couple CAN reach a creative, effective and equitable agreement that honors the emotions of the parties.

And, although I don’t have data to support this, I have a keen sense of two things. One, is that when emotions are honored, parties are more satisfied with their agreement. (Note there is data to support greater satisfaction and compliance with mediated agreements.)  Second, that parties that feel better about their agreement and the process used to reach it are in a better position to enter their post-divorce life with a sense of hopefulness and self-efficacy.

Some examples of emotions or emotionally-loaded issues in divorce that can be effectively considered when crafting a property settlement agreement are:

  • Fear of change/uncertainty (will be discussed much more by my colleagues)
  • Fear of finances/financial illiteracy
  • Fear of possible destitution or other financial tragedies (“I don’t want to end up as a ‘bag lady’”)
  • Risk tolerance
  • Tolerance/attitude toward debt
  • “Symbolism” of debt in the marriage – how was it acquired
  • Other “symbols” in marriage – I never wanted the house, boat, Lexus, or to move near his mother
  • Desire to retire early
  • Desire to keep “my retirement” money
  • Concern for supporting the kids in college and into young adulthood, may include weddings
  • Desire to keep the house – often underpinned by the desire to minimize disruption for the kids

The emotions – in general or around specific issues – can be honored in the agreement How?

  • Riskier assets retained more or fully by one party
  • More of retirement held by one party
  • More cash flow (or liquid cash) held by one party
  • Creative financing or buyout structure for the family home
  • College or other designated funds created for the kids
  • Debt retained more or fully by one party
  • Specific debts retained by one party
  • Specific assets to one party – the boat, the Lexus

Having said all that, feelings should not be honored to the detriment of an equitable settlement or sound finances. We can get creative, but we can’t please everyone all the time. And, as I often say, I can help you figure out all sorts of ways to slice up your pie, but I can’t make your pie bigger. I’m a mediator, not a magician.

But with creativity and collaboration, one can guide clients to reach prudent financial agreements that honor their individual interests, their goals, AND their emotions.

Divorce Divorcing Family Featured Mediation Professional Development
22 Feb

Two Conflict Competence Workshops Offered This Spring

I’m offering two full day workshops from the Building Conflict Competence series this spring with one big change: both workshops will be offered on a pay-what-you-can basis. Previous workshops have been (affordably) priced at $60 each or two for $100, but now you can decide what payment works for you. Past attendees will tell you that the lessons in each workshop are invaluable in all parts of their lives. I hope you will consider joining me.

REAL TALK WITHOUT BURNING BRIDGES, Saturday, March 10, 9:30-4

LISTENING: A SKILL-BUILDING WORKSHOP, Saturday, April 28, 9:30-4

Both workshops employ a combination of lecture, exercises, experiential activities, and take-away practices and are part of the Building Conflict Competence Series. The schedule includes a lunch break. Participants provide their own lunch. There are many dining options in easy walking distance. REGISTER

Location: 24 Veterans Square, Media, PA 19063 (look for the orange and black HeadRoom awning). The space is located on the second floor and access is by steps only.

REAL TALK WITHOUT BURNING BRIDGES

It’s a tough time for real talk. Our political climate is divisive and often uncivil and it’s bleeding into all parts of our lives. So, how to do you engage in civil dialogue and real talk when you are not in agreement? You can learn how and apply it at work, home, social settings, or any where else and do it without burning bridges. What does one learn in a workshop on dialogue? Well, in this one, you learn:
  • A lot about listening
  • A lot about effective questions usually coming from a place of curiosity
  • An overview of what research has shown to change people’s minds and what does not change people’s minds
  • An overview of cognitive bias
  • What we can do to encourage people to listen to us
  • Strategies to manage our internal challenges in dialogue (be it internal dialogues, biases, a choking lump in your throat, fear, a heart that beats so fast you don’t know how you can do it, developing courage, etc.)
  • Regular practices that help built skills and capabilities
  • And more   (NOTE: This workshop was previously titled Secrets to Civil and Productive Dialogue.)

LISTENING: A SKILL-BUILDING WORKSHOP

I’m always writing about the importance of listening (like here and here) and like to share inspiring quotes about it. Now is your chance to build your listening skills in a fun and engaging one day workshop. We’ll build your listening skills for improved performance at work and to strengthen your personal relationships.

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03 Nov

Do You Need a Cohabitation Agreement?

In the US, we often think of cohabitation as something done by young couples on the path to marriage. But the demographics on co-habitation is more complex than this. So are the things a couple should discuss when deciding how to cohabitate.

Changing Demographics

According to the US Census, cohabitation is up by 29% in the last decade. More striking is that the number of cohabiting people over 50 has increased 75% in the same time, per a study by the Pew Research Center. That’s a lot of cohabitation. (Read more about cohabitation over 50.)

Lots of Issues to Consider

One reason couples opt out of marriage because of the complex cluster of rules, laws, and expectations around the institution. Cohabitating couples still have laws to consider, but they mostly make up their own rules. Decisions about how to share living quarters, how to interact with family, how and when to make decisions, how to manage finances, and long-range planning are all critical and sensitive topics. But those topics need to be tackled clearly and with sensitivity.

Mediation can be an ideal forum to have those important and sensitive discussions. It provides a neutral and supported environment to raise issues, iron out differences, and come up with creative and balanced solutions that fit your unique relationship.

Contact me to talk about mediation for cohabitation.

 

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01 Nov

My Interview About Healthy Divorce

I often say the perfect is the enemy of the good. Well, I’m accepting imperfection and releasing my unedited interview from the Make Divorce Healthier Symposium 2016. View now to hear my impromptu thoughts on:

  • What  it means to have a healthy divorce
  • My personal connection to divorce and how it effects my profession
  • My bigger vision of healthy divorce
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    Workshop at the 2020 PA Council of Mediators Conference

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    Second Saturday Comes To Delco

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    Clear the Air New Year’s Special

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    Dealing with Family Conflict During the Holidays

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